I can't hear

Revelation 3:18-22

18 My advice is that you buy gold from me that has been purified by fire so that you may be rich, and white clothing to wear so that your nakedness won’t be shamefully exposed, and ointment to put on your eyes so that you may see. 19 I correct and discipline those whom I love. So be earnest and change your hearts and lives. 20 Look! I’m standing at the door and knocking. If any hear my voice and open the door, I will come in to be with them, and will have dinner with them, and they will have dinner with me. 21 As for those who emerge victorious, I will allow them to sit with me on my throne, just as I emerged victorious and sat down with my Father on his throne. 22 If you can hear, listen to what the Spirit is saying to the churches. ”

So, I know that I skipped this weekend, but I actually read the verses I was supposed, but I just didn't have the capacity to write about them. Finals week is upon me and in full force. I have a huge project due Tuesday and I seem to be dragging my feet about it. I start working a little bit, and then I can't work anymore. Part of that is because I've had a fairly emotionally charged weekend. I ask for your prayers for my grandfather, he went into the hospital last night with signs of heart attack and is having an angioplasty tomorrow morning. 

Tonight, I'm having a hard time focusing on this passage. I'm having a hard time distracting myself from the work I have to do and thinking about my grandpa. I'm drawn to the last vers, 'if you can hear, listen.' Some days, I can't hear, and I think today is one of them. I'm too cluttered with other things. In addition to finals and my sick grandpa, I have asked for clarity. I'm having a hard time distinguishing what I want from what God wants. I know that they can be one in the same, but how do you know when that happens? 

 I want to hear, I need God's answers, but I also recognize that I am not in a place to listen. I know that if I sit in prayer for a while I will either run through my to do list or fall asleep from exhaustion. So tonight, I will go to bed without answers, and hope that tomorrow I can hear.

taking pride in our problems

Romans 5:1-5

Therefore, since we have been made righteous through his faithfulness combined with our faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. 2 We have access by faith into this grace in which we stand through him, and we boast in the hope of God’s glory. 3 But not only that! We even take pride in our problems, because we know that trouble produces endurance, 4 endurance produces character, and character produces hope. 5 This hope doesn’t put us to shame, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

Well, that didn't take long. 5 days in and I find a 'problematic' text. Welcome to my life as a seminarian. I read a lot of Scripture, and I don't like it all the time. I'm sure I could go and exegete my way through this one, but instead, let's take it at face value. Verses 3 and 4 are tough pills to swallow. I don't take pride in my problems. I understand that going through difficult times can make us stronger, however, I think it's just a way to justify bad things happening. This is difficult to write, knowing that I'm really putting myself out there. This passage just sounds a little too much like 'everything happens for a reason' or 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.' I find these cliches difficult to understand. Do we tell a woman who was raped that it happened for a reason? Or tell a grieving parent that it'll make them stronger? Is that what gives people the hope of Jesus Christ? 

Do we hope that things going according to plan or do we hope for an end of these things? Do we hope to see the day where no one's innocence is taken or do we hope that they will be stronger after it? The peace that I have through the love of God, as shown through Christ. My peace comes from a God whose love continues to pour into out hearts, making us new. My hope is in the work of Holy Spirit to work through people to end our 'problems'. My hope will not be put to shame by those who boast in their problems, because I am acting in the world so that these problems cease to exist. 

During Advent, the week of Hope nonetheless I hope. My hope is for a Christ that leads us by example to value all human life. A Christ that works to eradicate injustice and bring peace and civility to our world. My hope is not for endurance or character, but for everyone to feel the love of God that I feel. 

Against me

Psalm 27: 11-14

11 LORD , teach me your way;

because of my opponents, lead me on a good path.

12 Don’t give me over to the desires of my enemies,

because false witnesses and violent accusers

have taken their stand against me.

13 But I have sure faith

that I will experience the LORD ’s goodness

in the land of the living!

14 Hope in the LORD !

Be strong! Let your heart take courage!

Hope in the LORD !

My journey has been one of asking the God to teach me the way. Half the battle of faith is recognizing what is our way and what is God's way. Knowing the difference is difficult and a never ending process. As I continue to decipher my calling, I am noticing that my path comes with a fair amount of adversaries. Talking to people about faith is a risky business. If you imply that you believe somethings differently than someone in the room, there is a lot at stake. People do not like being told their beliefs are misguided or even wrong. When people cling to their faith as a survival skill, which many people do, there is more wrapped up in their faith than their theology. 

Nothing in church work is worth doing if it doesn't cause a few enemies. I have found myself searching for the 'right' way to piss people off. I truly believe that to speak to the truth is to make people upset. The key lays in the balance of not pissing people off for the fun of it and being afraid to piss people off. I do believe that I will experience God's goodness in the land of living! I have experienced it and I continue to do so. The focus on this is in the land of living. My true prayer for this would be for the Church to be a land of living. A place where people are courageous, stand sure in their faith and are led in straight paths. I pray this prayer for the Church, to piss people off, to ask for God's guidance despite the nay sayers. I'm pretty sure there is a Proverb somewhere that says, "The oppositional will always be with you." I may have mixed that up... but you get my point. 

Stone Heart

Ezekiel 36:25-27

I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be cleansed of all your pollution. I will cleanse you of all your idols. 26 I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you. I will remove your stony heart from your body and replace it with a living one, 27 and I will give you my spirit so that you may walk according to my regulations and carefully observe my case laws.

Removing my heart of stone

Seminary has been a long and arduous process. While I do not feel that it is complete, I can see how I've changed. I would have never called myself an uncaring individual, but I definitely had a hardened heart. I carried around past heartbreaks and damages. I could not let anyone inside my concrete divider. If I did let you in, it was an honor, because few people had seen what was underneath my tough exterior. 

Now, my though exterior is different. While I do find myself guarded, it's not out of the same motivation, to avoid pain. I am moving closer to self-preservation. For the first time in years I've been allowing myself to actually feel emotions. I can see others people's pain and be with them in that emotion. I no longer avoid emotional situations or deflect with humor (as often as I used to). This weekend someone said, "I can see how seminary has changed you, you're much more pastoral." While this compliment could be seen as, "You used to be such a jerk," I accept it for what it is saying. 

I felt empathy when it was convenient for me to do so. I was kinda a jerk. I admit, that I am no longer free of my deflection or avoidance, it has decreased significantly. It has translated into many of my friendships and relationships. I can be a listening ear for people, which I was never  very good at. I still struggle with trying to fix things for other people but I am significantly better. 

God has removed my stony heart and replaced it one that lives and breathes. It lives through the hearts of other people, it beats to the sound of justice. This transition has not taken place over night, but I feel my heart beating in ways I never thought possible 3 years ago. 

Advent Day 2

Psalm 51:1-12

Have mercy on me, God, according to your faithful love!

Wipe away my wrongdoings according to your great compassion!

2 Wash me completely clean of my guilt;

purify me from my sin!

3 Because I know my wrongdoings,

my sin is always right in front of me.

4 I’ve sinned against you—you alone.

I’ve committed evil in your sight.

That’s why you are justified when you render your verdict,

completely correct when you issue your judgment.

5 Yes, I was born in guilt, in sin,

from the moment my mother conceived me.

6 And yes, you want truth in the most hidden places;

you teach me wisdom in the most secret space.

7 Purify me with hyssop and I will be clean;

wash me and I will be whiter than snow.

8 Let me hear joy and celebration again;

let the bones you crushed rejoice once more.

9 Hide your face from my sins;

wipe away all my guilty deeds!

10 Create a clean heart for me, God;

put a new, faithful spirit deep inside me!

11 Please don’t throw me out of your presence;

please don’t take your holy spirit away from me.

12 Return the joy of your salvation to me

and sustain me with a willing spirit

Finals time has come upon me, and I am procrastinating as usual. There are a million things I should be doing, but I don't really want to do any of them until the last possible moment. My class tonight the importance of being able to play. Play is a healthy means for us to live with our emotions and keeps our souls alive. I completely agree with this and I need to find new and better ways to keep play alive. 

While this passage is begging God for forgiveness and mercy, the last verse is what stood out to me. My life not only lacks good solid play, but also the joy of salvation. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful to have a God that loves me enough to sacrifice a son. But joy is not something I'm particularly good at. Many times I feel unworthy of such a gift or as though I have to prove to God how grateful I am. Joy... that is truly my prayer for tonight. 

Not only could I use a little joy, but in general, a willing spirit is something I am lacking as well. I am willing to follow God in the big picture, but the everyday things are difficult. I would like the willingness to follow God all the time. Sustain in me a willing spirit, because I am willing, but I'm also forgetful and lazy. Help keep me going God, especially during finals. 

Advent Already?

Where in the world has this year/semester/month gone? It's December, my window is open, I've worn flip flops all weekend and I am not prepared for finals. This is just getting weird. So after my last experiment with trying to pray every day, which kinda worked. I've also been given the task of reflecting on Scripture every day during Advent. Discipline is not my thing... and I'm pretty sure that's obvious by now. Here are my thoughts based on Scripture.

Joel 2:12-13

12 Yet even now, says the LORD , 

return to me with all your hearts, 

with fasting, with weeping, and with sorrow; 

13 tear your hearts 

and not your clothing. 

Return to the LORD your God, 

for he is merciful and compassionate, 

very patient, full of faithful love, 

and ready to forgive. 

So I've been avoiding a lot of things lately. I've been worried a lot and not sleeping well. To avoid my overactive head, I've been watching a ridiculous amount of TV in bed (Sons of Anarchy). I'm not reaching out to people, I'm pretty much avoiding the world. I'm definitely avoiding the work that I have to do within the next two weeks. I was able to pray for a week, then I just got busy and didn't make it a priority. This is nothing new. I know it may sound odd, but committing to God daily is hard. I've made my decision to give God my life, or a part of my life. God has my future and my career, I've turned those over. I still try to take it back every now and then, but God can have those things. This every day stuff is hard. I think about God all the time. In classes, while doing homework, even when I'm just sitting around. I think about God, but never talk TO God.


My relationship with God is much better in the abstract, where I can think and rationalize. But when it comes to actually having a conversation or trying to work at our relationship, it becomes something on the to do list. Praying and talking to God has become an obligation, not a desire. I don't know how to fix that. I want to talk more with God, but in the moment of life I am simply just too busy.


This passage for me is a sign of grace. I am super busy with many things, and I'm not doing any of them well. Today, that really hit me. I am doing a lot, but nothing is really working out, and that's largely because I've taken on too much. There's another key factor that always seems to slip my mind. If I was more in tune with God, maybe it wouldn't be like this. I recognize that when I try to do things my way, I mess things up. But these vereses remind me that God knows that sometimes I suck at life, and yet still wants a relationship with me. I blow off God for extra sleep or a new episode and that's okay. God forgives me and wants me to keep trying, so that I will do.

pressure

Pressure

is this furthering my call?

is this what i want?

is this building up my relationship to God?

is this really worth the sacrifices i'm making?

When will these questions turn to answers?

will these choices ever get easier?

I am open to your voice

I need your strength 

I don't doubt you, I beg for your revelation

I need clarity

I need calm

I want more direction

I need you in this moment. 

library prayer

Witnesses,

from every time and place

to fill my head with knowledge.

Privilege,

filling libraries with books,

academia's finest description of you. 

Sitting 

amongst clattering computers

and the dreams of those before us.

For the history of witnesses,

for the dreams of those who could never have dreamed

For your presence with us all,

I give you thanks. 

stupid Min 404

God of our hearts,

you have called us each to engage in your world,

to better your kindom, 

to lead your people.

We have run from you,

denying your call,

adding in our own excuses. 

"I'm too young, I cannot speak, it is physically impossible"

You persevere through our hardened hearts, 

leading us back to you.

May your plans be revealed to us 

and may we have the strength and fortitude to accept them.

May our hearts and minds be open to receive your call.

May your spirit fill us with your purpose,

utilizing our gifts and individualities

to the betterment of our world.

  

2 prayers for 2 days

So, I'm really not disciplined enough for this. I don't think about it until it's too late to do it. Here is my prayer from this morning.

God of all creation,

your imagination is beyond human comprehension.

Sunrise and Sunset

colors bursting forth 

each day different. 

Each color scheme and cloud pattern is unique

beauty in simplicity.

Thank you for a world created good.

After a day at church, this is my prayer.

God you gave us the unifier of all 

the body of Christ,

a house that hold all people.

Lead us to your peace.

God I thank you for communities of your children

love that uniquely abounds,

across all our human divisions.

For the pondering of children, 

the quizitive mind of teenagers, 

and adult compassion

Prayers?!?!?!?!?!

 So here's the deal, my supervisor at my field site doesn't think I pray enough (which is probably true). So as her assignment for me, and because I am essentially at her mercy, she has told me to write a prayer for each day. It doesn't have to be anything fancy or super special, but a prayer for each day. 

Since I think best while typing (let's be honest, who writes things down anymore?) I thought these prayer would be best kept through a blog. I may explain some of my prayers, I may not, but my hope is that my life and daily thought processes will be revealed through my prayers. So here's todays

Omniscient God, Eternal Parent to us all,

I pray for all who have children. 

Loving a child can be difficult,

they are not hard to love,

but loving them is a true sacrifice of self.

Be with all of those who struggle with their children,

whether they are atheists, addicts or just agitating

be with those who love them.

I ask that those with children be given wisdom,

knowledge, strength, and an open heart and mind.

Loving God, release their anxiety

 and help them trust in you.

Allow their children to learn safely,

pressing boundaries without destroying lives. 

We leave our children in your hands O God.

Amen 

where I see community

This past weekend I went on a high school retreat modeled after the Great Banquet. It is called the Awakening. On this retreat I learned a lot about kids and how they process things, especially God. I was overwhelmed by two things. First, my church brought 9 kids and had 2 kids that were on the team for this retreat which was an hour and half away from their home. On Saturday night we had 12 or 13 members of our church come out to support these young people. Most of these adults did not have children participating in the event, or even old enough to go, but they drove 3 hours to support these young people on their journeys. That is the kind of church I believe in, that is the encouragement and love of Christ. 

Secondly, I was moved by how these kids related to each other. When you put a group of teenagers together there is not telling what could happen. In a group of 50 high schoolers, kids were able to leave saying that this is where they feel included and loved for who they are. Yes, there were some tables where kids would section themselves off in pairs, but they found someone to relate to and belong with. This was very powerful, this is the Church, doing it's job. The Church should be the place where all kids are welcomed, despite their differences or oddities. 

So after this awesome Church experience where my faith in humanity is restored, I saw it again while voting. While democracy in action can be moving, this was a special case. A woman was waiting in line to vote and she had a small child with her, probably 2 or 3 months old. The child was in a stroller, but had started to get fussy. The mother started to put on her wrap to put the baby in it and the two women behind her helped her put it over her head and adjust it. (I presume that these women did not know each other). Then as the baby continued to cry, the four people in front of the mother, let her go before them. It literally brought tears to my eyes, to see people act so kindly to each other for no apparent reason. 

Then I get on Facebook yesterday and last night as the election results are in and everyone had something to say about it. Which I truly believe is positive, however, some of it was disheartening. This is my prayer for today:

God of all people,

Help us O God to remember that you govern our hearts,

you have already sent a leader to guide us,

your will for our lives is already within us.

Open our eyes to those around us. 

Let us see each other as your people, 

not political parties, or of a specific race, gender or orientation

Help us see the humanity in one another.

Lead us, as a country, as a world, as your kindom.

Lead us to where you want us to be,

guiding us in the paths of righteousness and truth. 

I ask all these things in the name of our risen Christ.

Amen

Feelings Nothing More Than Feelings

In one of my classes yesterday we did a small exercise. This came from the discussion of how we have learned to suppress our feelings and emotions, favoring our intellect. It is a societal condition that has allowed us to only think and not feel, thus denying our true selves and natural state. So, I invite you do the same exercise.

I will say a word, you should identify a feeling, not a habitual feeling that we have trained ourselves to feel, but to honestly feel the word. Once you have identified your feeling, write about it. (that's poetry) Got it?

Ok are we ready for the word? The word is God.





What'd you come up with? I invite you to share, if you can, my comments section often does not cooperate. 

So when I did this exercise and heard the word, I instantly rolled my eyes and said, "that's not a word." I defaulted to angry, because that is the emotion I most often associate with God (read previous blogs to see how much I blame God). Then I went to happy and comforted, but that felt like a contrived Sunday School answer. So, frustrated with myself and my inability to actually feel I shut down and gave up. 

Maybe my blockage came from seminary training to only think about God, not feel.  Or maybe I can't feel after all. I have long rationalized away my feelings and thought myself through them. I don't have many uninhibited feelings anymore. Another part of my seminary training is to acknowledge your feelings and look at why you feel them. I spend a lot of time thinking about my feelings and not actually feeling them. 

How do you feel feelings? How do you sit in it and allow it to be? Movies make me feel feelings, but as soon as the movie's over, so are the feelings, back to normal. Occasionally,  I will find myself in a place where my feelings take over, I will cry, or be in a funk after watching a movie. I will then analyze the crap out of why I'm feeling those things and where they come from or what I identified with,  but I dont just let them be. There always has to be an explanation some repressed childhood memory. Can you just feel?  Is it unhealthy to just feel and not psychoanalyze them? Is that even possible?  

... and then God happens

So I wasn't able to keep up with a blog during CPE. It was a trying time full of processing and when I finally got home from a long day, the last thing I wanted to do was to talk more about my feelings and understanding of what was happening. I had a lot of wonderful and horrible experiences that changed me forever and will stay with me for as long as I live.

The semester stared three weeks ago and I was looking forward to the new year and my last fall semester. I started my field site, which is really just a continuation of my duties in the western suburbs of Chicago. After CPE I was ready to get back into academia and get out of my emotions. CPE brings every feeling you have to the surface and while that is not necessarily a bad things, I was ready for 'life as usual'.

In my first meeting with my field site coordinator we were talking about what I wanted out of the experience and my goals for the year. As our discussion was wrapping up she said, "You haven't mentioned New Church Development at all." Yep, she was right, I hadn't said anything about it. I have felt a call to church planting before and I have been working hard to ignore it. I thought that this was something I would do in 15 years or so, so there was no reason to discuss it now. When she asked me that question I started to cry instantaneously. I don't cry and I especially don't cry with big tears, but that's what happened. 

In that moment I broke up with God. I want nothing to do with God. I was willing to come to seminary and answer Gods' call for me to be pastor, but to start churches... you have to be kidding me. There's no chance in hell that this is where God wants me to go. I'm to disorganized, spacey, opinionated, and green to start my own church.

Then today, I went to a meeting about the ordination process within the PC(USA). While I've made my way through a large part of the process, the last steps are the hardest and I wanted some ideas. As we were talking about our calls and how to write statements of call. I was not willing to say exactly what I feel I have been called to, but I asked about the roadblocks to ministry and seeking calls. I was essentially told that all of the aforementioned things I said about myself not being ready for New Church Development are only in my head. Yes, I can start a church fresh out of seminary. This is not at ALL what I wanted to hear. Again, I got chocked up. God doesn't know how break-ups work. God's supposed to leave me alone and let me figure this out, but instead I feel as though my life is bombarded with moments of Divine intervention.

For those of you who don't know, I'm going to Haiti in late December to work at an orphanage in partnership with my intern church. I sent out letters to my closest family, friends, and supporters asking for prayers and donations. I sent letters to individuals and not to my home congregation. I was planning on addressing the congregation separately. However, someone from my home church in Ohio, took my letter to the missions committee and offered to pay for 1/4 of my expenses, unanimously before I could even approach them independently. This, in conjunction with family donations I have raised 3/4 of my total cost in 10 days!!!!!!!!!

I was expecting to have to work hard to raise money. I thought I would have to have a bake sale or something to raise the money. Apparently all it takes is asking people, who would have known. God has made a point to show me that breaking up is not an option. This week alone I have experienced more grace and love and God moments than I have in months. I am simply overwhelmed by what God is doing in my life. This is not at all what I expected from my week.  

quick and dirty or long and intentional?

Tonight  when I left the hospital I felt really good about the night. It was me and another intern together all night and we did well. We managed things well and I feel confident that I can do this, if I need to alone. 


What I wasn't expecting was the emotional dumping that happened on my way home. I thought my night went well, and I was feeling good. Then I just started bawling my eyes out. It started as a slow trickle of tears, which I felt like was a good release, but then it just got crazy. The past few days I've seen a couple of people die for various reasons. It's always sad. Being with a family while they are told that their loved one has passed away is difficult. I am often moved by the families expression of love and the stories that they share about their family member. 


My reactions to families are the most serious when there are adult children involved. For some reason when an adult child breaks down at their parents bedside, it really pulls on my heart strings. Sure spouses can be upsetting to watch, but when it's a parent it just really affects me. That was the cause of tonights' breakdown. I'm terrified to lose a parent. Death in general is scary and I'm not looking forward to close family members dying. However, there is something about kids mourning the loss of their parent. Tonight I was particularly struck with the idea of losing my dad. Maybe it stems from knowing that he's not taking care of himself like he should. Maybe its comes from my friends who have lost their dads. Maybe its because I've seen more than one man die of a massive heart attack this week. I don't know what I would do if it was my dad there on that table.  The slightest thought of that scenario is petrifying. 


I've seen men this week who have essentially died instantly, without feeling a thing. I have also met men who are knowingly approaching death and still able to laugh about things. This raises and interesting question for me. Is it better to have some traumatic event and die instantly, or is it better to see it coming and be able to say goodbye and perhaps even enjoy the end? I have been moved by families willingly seeking hospice care for their loved one and enjoying every possible second together. I've also seen the assurance on people's faces when they hear that the death of their loved one was quick. I don't think that knowing you're dying means that you're suffering. Certainly that can be the case, but I think many times attitudes can change that. If someone accepts the inevitability of death, there is a peace that comes to them and their families that difficult to explain. The problem with death is that it cannot be planned, we can't know how we're going to go or how our loved ones will go. This is really a frivolous question, because it's not like it matters if I come up with an answer. I do however, think it's important to know that there is peace and power both instances. 


I apologize for the morbidity of this post, but this is where my head is right now. I have realized that being around death has a profound impact on your reality. 

Friday night

This week has been relatively uneventful. My first full week on the floors, making rounds and whatnot went by pretty smoothly. I had some awkward encounters, I have managed to attract every dirty old man in the hospital, so that's always fun. I have actually helped people and been able to minister to them and pray with them. I've listened to a lot of great stories and heard many complaints about 'kids these days'. It's been a fairly good week. 


Tonight I opted to take the evening shift. Instead of coming in at 8am, I came in at 4pm. Yes, it was a Friday night, but I got to sleep in this morning. I had a wonderful morning of sleeping in and brunch with friends, followed by a quick nap. I came into the hospital expecting a crazy night, and it wasn't as crazy as I thought it would be. I didn't see the violence I was expecting, it was mostly just sick people. I became familiar with death paperwork as I had to go through it 3 times tonight. I am officially a chaplain after tonight because I've managed to do much of this on my own. Ir has been interesting to see how different families handle death. There really is no standard of what people do when their loved ones die. Being with families during this time isn't as difficult as I thought it would be. Families are generally easy to read in these types of circumstances. I've become very interested in how people deal with things and its not as awkward as I once thought. 


The problem I see myself having tonight is that I'm coming home from the hospital and I have to go to bed shortly there after. There is not a lot of time to decompress and let today sink in. I'm exhausted, but I'm still awake. I couldn't call anyone on the way home from work, because it was almost 1am. There is literally nothing on TV for a distraction. I'm stuck thinking about today instead of passing out. Luckily, this shift won't be a regular part of my week and I will be able to resume some sense of normalcy before going to bed. Tonight, I'll be an episode of Law and Order and games on my phone. 

the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day

So two days into having floors I have my first breakdown. CPE is proving to be much more difficult than I initially imagined. My breakdown Friday was the culmination of a lot of things, and only a few were CPE related. First, I had a scholarship application due Friday, which I forgot about, so I had to wake up at 5am and write an essay. Then as I go to print out my essay, the printer doesn't have any ink. So I had to leave it in the hopes that my wonderful roommate would print it out and mail it for me (which she did!!!). Then I walk out the door and leave my lunch on the counter. AND once I get to Starbucks (because I've been up since 5) they didn't give me the blonde coffee that I wanted. So by the time I got to the hospital I was not a happy person. 


As I go up on the floors and round, I just had one bad reception after another. Looking back on it, there wasn't anything really horrible that happened, it just wasn't doing well. I kept finding myself in positions that I didn't know what to do. I felt like a baby giraffe trying to walk. Once I got my legs under me there was another set back. I think it really comes from a general feeling of incompetence. I feel like I'm doing everything wrong. I can't find my place on the floor. I'm finding it difficult to navigate through doctors, nurses, physical therapist etc. There can't always be a bad time to see people, but I'm really good at finding it. I just feel very uneasy. I know that its only been 2 days and I can't really expect to have it all figured out, but I feel like I don't have any of it figured out. 


I am also finding myself almost haunted by my bad interactions. I don't know how to get these events out of my mind. I feel like I'm representing myself poorly, and subsequently representing God poorly. I know that it seems like a lot of pressure to put on myself, but its still a reality where I have to find balance. I'm human, I make mistakes, but Friday was just a series of mistakes. I don't handle that as well as I thought I would. I didn't think that perfectionism was still a struggle of mine, but I guess on some levels and with some things it really is an issue. I don't want to be perfect, I want to be good. I want to be able to say the right thing, and know the right time to pray, or leave, or hold someone's hand. I don't have instincts. I'm all too aware of my social awkwardness and that is difficult for an extravert to handle. The one thing I thought I was good at was just talking to people, and now I can't find any words to say to anyone. I'm hoping this passes soon and I'll start having good things mixed in with the bad. 

the ethics of a CPE 'no'

Today in our training for CPE we were confronted with the issue of baptism and communion. While I have started to address these issues in my head there is not concrete answer.  I know what my denomination says I should do, and I have my own thoughts on that. Today I was told that the World Council of Churches believes that in extreme circumstances any believer can baptize someone else. In a hospital setting, no circumstance is ideal. People can't be baptized in front of their faith community or commune with them during the Eucharist. These things are simply not possible and I don't think that it means that they shouldn't be done. 


I think it will be harder to deny a someone baptism or communion than to break the laws of the church. I do not feel that I, as a person called by God to lead God's people, has the right to deny anyone a means for which they believe they can see God. (I understand that this could go to a, what if they see God in killing someone? kinda way, but for my own thoughts, let's assume that their request is reasonable.) Could I look at someone in the eyes and say no? Do I have the right to deny anyone an important ritual of faith? Can I knowingly keep someone from seeing God and feeling the comfort of God? 


Many of these questions were clear in my head as to where I am theologically in those circumstances. Up until we talked about baptizing someone who has already been baptized. Sometimes people view baptism as a cleansing ritual that is to be done as needed. If I am approached to baptize an adult, that has presumably been baptized, would I do it? The same pastoral care issues apply, I don't want to deny anyone that closeness with God. However, I also feel that this theologically is harder for me to justify. I understand from a pastoral perspective why it could be important, but I don't know if I could do it. I don't know why I'm so opposed to it. If someone thinks they're dying and in order to go to heaven, they need to be baptized again, I don't want that person to believe they're going to hell because they haven't been made clean. The hospital is not the time or place to discuss church differences/ polity. It's all very confusing and it's only my 2nd week...

a seed has been planted

Today I went on a mini retreat with my CPE group. It was really great to get to know one another better and just hang out like 'normal' people. In the afternoon we walked a beautiful labyrinth. I've grown to hate labyrinths, because I open myself up to God and I rarely get what I want. I wanted some direction for CPE and what I should be focusing on as I go through this process. I opened myself up to the possibility that my call could be to chaplaincy. It doesn't sound as scary as I once thought it did, and I think it would be a good call. To me chaplaincy is stable, with hours that you work and set days off. The idea of serving God and ministering to people 9-5 has many benefits. But what I see now is that being a chaplain would be running from my call. The most terrifying aspect to being in parish ministry, to me, is the unpredictability. I like plans and I like to plan me time, to know when I can shut down for a few hours/ a day. Once you are a pastor, you are a pastor forever, 24/7. It is not something you get to clock in and out of, its all the time.


Most of my anger with God the past few months revolve around this issue of time/ lifestyle. I want a 9-5, I'm ok with evenings and weekends, when I can anticipate them. I struggle to see my life dictated by the needs of others. While rationally, I understand that day to day ministry is not this unstable and taxing, and that it is more about setting parameters for yourself and  your work. However, for me this is a manifestation of the essence of my call and relationship with God. God doesn't want just my 9-5 life, but my entire life. That is tough, that is the part that I struggle with. 


So today while I was walking in the labyrinth, very little of this was made clear. What I did feel expressed to me is what type of parish ministry I should be doing. Again, God can never make it easy for me, or make it something that I actually want to do. A part of me hesitates to say it even aloud, in fear that I am wrong. Every time you think you hear God, your brain says, "that can't be right." I think that God is telling me to go into new church development. A large portion of my walk today the words 'church plant' rang in my head. I have had discussions with people about how church plants can benefit the denomination as a whole, and even in specific communities. We've talked generally about how to redesign church and how that's best done with new churches. The subject interests me from a philosophical stand point, Is it better to work within a broken system or to start fresh? However, I haven't given much thought to actually doing it myself. Maybe in 20 years, after I've established myself and feel more willing to take risks and less fearful of the consequences. I have many more thoughts about this... but for now I think God is crazy, and I think i'm even more crazy for actually considering this. 

CPE media?

CPE is already making me feel emotional. I find myself closer to being on the verge of tears more often.  I was in a situation where I felt as though someone was stepping on my toes. Instead of my normal role of the eyes and inner frustration, I stewed. When I talked to someone about it I got chocked up, which is not typical. 


I admit that chemically my hormones are going through a transitional phase from one medication to another, so I understand that this is a major contributing factor. Whatever rational scientific explanation I give myself,  it's not enough to save me from my paranoia. Is CPE going to make me crazy? 6 weeks in will I be able to hold it together? How does one begin to process the feelings and events that I will see in the next 2 months?


 I am hoping that blogging is part of this process, thinking about each day and putting it out there. However, I understand the risks of journalling for public consumption, particularly when I'm dealing with a hospital and the private info of patients. I don't know if this is the best medium for me to share my experiences. However, I think it's also important that my experiences be shared. Sharing my experiences is beneficial for me, but I hope it is helpful to you too. Not only do I have the exceedingly high hopes that my theological questions will encourage others to ponder them as well, but I also hope that you'll learn from my stumbles. I want this to be journey that people can go on with me. My hope is that the articulation of my feelings throughout this process can resonate with others and help them to become more self-aware or introspective. 


So here is my big theological/ ethical question: Is open honesty helpful? I secretly hope that by being an open book people will be encouraged to be open too. Does that even happen? Is 100% honesty only beneficial for me? Can it harm others? How does my role as Pastor inform this idea? Is it my responsibility to be open with my experiences as a faith leader? Is there a limit to that? 


Can blogging about myself and my experiences be ministry? 


** These questions are rhetorical but comments are welcome. 

baptism by fire

 Wow! What to say about the second day.  Baptism by fire is definitely my style because I learned and saw a lot today. While I'm still struggling to know the acronyms for the units I'm in rooms with families praying. I really don't know what to think about all of this or how to begin processing it. It was a sad day, but it was also kind of exciting. There are a lot of odd emotions. I was excited to see a baptism, but not under these conditions. So that's an odd emotion to process. 


In addition to seeing somethings that 'normal' people don't see (dead bodies) theological issues have already come up. If someone wants a baptism is it ethical for me to say, 'Sorry I'm not allowed to do that' especially if it is towards the end of someones life? Or where's the line between doing what the patient needs and holding on to your own spiritual integrity? Do you pray for a miracle? for God to bring someone back to life? Can you pray something that you don't believe if it's a pastoral care issue? I even had a hard time with 'trespass and those who trespass against us'. It is inauthentic to say something that I wouldn't normally say to appease those around me? The one thing I've learned thus far is that there are rarely answers to my questions. I will have to figure out things on my own. I'm not really comforted by that, I'd rather have some baseline and then figure out what works. 


Tonight was relatively quiet and I learned a lot. I also realized that even though I feel completely awkward, this is all do able. Nothing has been presented that I've thought, "I can't do that". Time actually goes by quickly and it's interesting and not horrible. Even though I saw  some pretty sad and messed up things today, it was a good day. I am grateful for an opportunity to learn in this environment and with such wonderful people. 

CPE Day 1: Diving in

I've noticed something very interesting about myself. It's not a new discovery, but I repeatedly shock myself.  We need to complete 16 shadowing hours within the next two weeks. These shifts are for 4 hours after our regular 8-4 shifts and on the weekends. A few people have chosen to take 8 hours over the weekend, but no, not me. I'm adding four hours to my second day. Tomorrow, I will leave my house at 7am to return around 10pm.


I have received little to no actual training, today we just familiarized ourselves with the building and each other. And tomorrow, I actually start doing things that I really don't think I have any business doing. I am ready to jump in and that's exactly what I did. It may be really dumb, but a very big part of me is excited to see exactly what I will be doing and then learn the rules. 


I often teater on whether or not I'm super type A or not. Sometimes I'm able to jump in head first without looking, but other times I'm really hesitant and unsure. I haven't really been able to find a pattern, but jumping in is more of my style. I'm much more comfortable with a baptism by fire approach. That's how I learned Greek and Hebrew, that how I approached seminary, and now CPE. The common denominator is God. God has given me the confidence to try this. I don't think I'd be this secure if I didn't know that God has meant for me to be here, at this hospital at this time. This placement is perfect for me and I feel reassured. God has led me here and I am able act without thinking and letting myself get in the way. I'm just gonna do it because I know that God's got my back. I'm sure I'll make a splash... 

CPE Anxiety

Tomorrow I start CPE (Clinical Pastoral Education). I will be working at Advocate Christ Hospital where I will spend 14 weeks as a chaplain. CPE has created a great deal of anxiety for me. Not only is tomorrow like the first day of school, hoping I know where I'm going and that I don't make a complete fool of myself. But CPE is going to be intense and I know that. I will be spending the next 14 weeks dealing with death, trauma, and life against the odds. None of these things I have had much experience with. I have been blessed and I've never had anyone very close to me die. I know that I am lucky and I am thankful for that, but I also feel like it puts me at a great disadvantage for helping people who are going through major issues. No one ever knows what to say when someone dies or is struggling with something serious, but I'm especially awkward in these situations. 


I am walking into an experience that will shake me to the core. I will grow more than I can imagine and I will learn a lot about myself and God. Knowing all of this makes tomorrow more difficult. I want this experience, I want to grow, but it's terrifying. To know that my theology and everything that I think I know will be questioned and challenged in a million different ways is worrisome. I'm ready. I want to walk in my heart and mind open to whatever comes at me. I am ready. I am anxious and terrified, but I'm ready. 

Anger

Last week I had to preach for a class. My sermon was full of passion and there were points in my sermon that it could be said that I felt the Spirit move (this can be a topic for later conversations). I left the pulpit feeling like I had spoken a portable message and proud of it. Overall, the comments were good and affirming and the critiques were all warranted. One comment stood out to me and has almost haunted me this entire week. "Why are you so angry? You should be happy about the words you say." 


I have realized that much of my passion in life is derived from anger. I feel called to action by that which angers me. Homophobia angers me, social injustice angers me, violence angers me, sexism angers me. When I am angry I want to do something about it. I don't think that this is too contrary to how most people react, especially politically. I have been the most involved when I am angry with an individual politician or current issue that is being mishandled. I wasn't involved in campaigns that I thought were well intentioned and fought for the causes I supported. I was active in campaigns against something. 


God and I are currently operating under this formula. I am fighting against God, historical interpretations of God, Scripture etc. I spent 10 years fighting God's call for me to come to seminary, and now that I'm here, I'm more pissed off than I was before. I'm mad at God. God wants more from my life than I am ready to give. I thought submitting to God's vocation was enough, but it's not.  


1 Corinthians 9:16-18
For when I preach the gospel, I cannot boast, since I am compelled to preach. Woe to me if I do not preach the gospel! If I preach voluntarily, I have a reward; if not voluntarily, I am simply discharging the trust committed to me. What then is my reward? Just this: that in preaching the gospel I may offer it free of charge, and so not make full use of my rights as a preacher of the gospel. 


I am compelled to preach and really, woe to me if I don't. At this point in my journey I cannot see my life without preaching in it. My life would be unfulfilled if I was not able to share the message of God with the world. 


That being said, I don't feel like I have agency in my life. God has called me, God knows me better than I know myself and knows that ministry is where I will be fulfilled. However, I feel like my life choices are being made for me. I am just hear living in the life God has planned for me. I cannot take credit for all of the amazing gifts that God has given to me and I know that I don't deserve them. Conversely, I am only responsible for the bad things in my life, and not the good because those are clearly from God. I can understand how some challenges are placed before me by God in order for me to grow and experience them, but my response is the only control I have in my life. How I respond to either good or bad, and I'm surly good at making bad things happens. I feel like I'm stuck in the negative cycle where I don't see how I'm acting to do anything in this world, I'm just agreeing to do what God tells me and I feel like I'm a puppet. I see the reward of preaching but is it voluntary if I felt like I had no other choice? I could have not come to seminary, but I would still be haunted with an incomplete life and what ifs. 


I feel like God's will has forced it's way into becoming my will and that's why I'm angry. All I want is to feel some sense of agency, some role in my life other than being a "Yes" person. Is that even possible?

the unexpected

Today was a day of the unexpected. What I assumed would be a fairly normal Sunday turned out to be both sad and great. Working with teenagers you can never expect anything other than chaos and tonight was no different. I am constantly amazed by their depth and how much they understand about God. Tonight, I was saddened by how little I know about God. This year has been riddled with deaths for many of my kids. One of the 5 high schools has lost 2 students in 3 weeks. Whenever a teen dies it is difficult to understand, but to be a teenager and to be reminded so frequently that life is short is painful to watch. I would say that the majority of my students have known someone from their school that has died. The causes of death vary but are tragic nonetheless. How can I possibly explain how God is acting in this? How does anyone understand the loss of a child? I don't have answers for them. That is humbly and refreshing, because a part of me is glad to give it to God and hope that God can give some framework to this tragedy. My heart is heavy and I hope my kids can be comforted by God, even if they can't see God in this. 


I had to leave my kids to the professional (the other adult who is way better at this stuff) because I had to run to a small group meeting for a class project. I was running ridiculously late and as I was walking into the building I saw Mario screaming at me. Mario has been traveling around with group of Colombians talking with seminaries and building partnerships with them. I had no idea that Mario was coming to McCormick and it was a great surprise! I am constantly amazed at how friends can reunite after time apart and pick up where they left off. We caught up for a bit and it was nice to hang out. After a heavy-hearted day it was great to see an unexpected smiling and very LOUD familiar face. I am truly grateful for the people that God has placed in my life along this journey. I am even more grateful for the unexpected opportunity to see them after a rough day.  

God parent

I have a couple of friends who have recently had babies and tonight I was hanging out with one couple and they are baptizing their baby Sunday. We started to talk about who the Godparents and they have chosen 4 people to be the Godparents. While the discussion of Godparenting can lead into deep debate that is not what came to mind for me tonight.


I've recently come to understand my relationship with God in a different way. I have really taken to this idea of God as my parent and I now see myself as the rebellious adolescent daughter. God and I fight a lot, I'm often mad at God because I feel like God is ruining my life. There are all of these restrictions and changes and even when I'm at my best doing exactly what I should, it is still not enough for God. I become easily frustrated with God, and often think that I know what's best for my life. When I am asked to do something I immediately say no and base my response on some absurd principle. What is interesting is that eventually I realize that God is right and I end up doing what I was asked to do in the first place. Whenever I don't like what God asks me to do, I have to voice my opinion and pout before a cooler head prevails. 


I don't know if this teenage daughter thing will last forever. Certainly I will grow up at some point. I don't know if my relationship with God changes over time, like it does with your parents as you grow into adulthood. Will there ever be a time where I just do what God asks me to do without putting up a fight? I don't know if I even do that now with my parents. A part of me feels like it's healthy to fight back and question things, but I also realize that at some point our relationship must grow and evolve as I do. I'm curious to see how my relationship with God grows over the next few years and if I am that rebellious teen or is this how God and I work. Only time will tell. 

Back to our regularly scheduled program

I made some drastic changes today. I donated 10' of hair to locks of love and I died my hair honey blonde. I figured if I was going to make a change, I would go big. It was a great experience and I truly enjoy the freedom to do whatever I want with my hair without repercussions. It only makes me aware of the restrictions that other women around the world face and I am grateful to live in a society that values my freedom of expression.


I was walking around the city today too and I saw God in the early spring weather. Spring brings out people form their winter cocoons. The streets were filled with people out and about for no obvious reason. Today was no different than any other day, but because it was 65 degrees people were outside enjoying the weather. I enjoy God's creation, as crazy as it may be (like it being 70 in March) and I am glad that I can be out in it again. Spring brightens people's moods and creates a general sense of well-being. When it first gets warm the city comes to life and people become more vibrant and noticeable. Not only is God present in creation, but in the opportunity for new springs. A new chance at life after a dead cold winter. Perhaps that's also part of the reason for my drastic change. It's time for new birth, new life, a springtime. 

Retreat 1

So, this lenten blog thing is difficult to maintain with a crazy life. I have still been thinking about where I see God every day, but getting it into a blog is much more difficult. After my retreat I was exhausted and unable to formulate sentences. It took me a good two or three days to recover in sleep and then to process what I had been through took a fair amount of time as well. Then this past weekend I went on another retreat with high schoolers. I have been busy that's for sure. Now that a significant amount of time has passed I want to share with you my revelations and insights from the Banquet retreat that I went on.


I struggled a lot on this retreat because we were not to be in contact with the outside world. The purpose was to get away for the weekend and focus on God. While I was away the world kept moving without me and I felt helpless inside. I struggled with the idea that now my life will not be lived on my terms, but on God's terms. I was on this retreat because I was meant to be there and I had a purpose there. My purpose was to serve there as best as I could and while doing that I was sacrificing my life outside of this retreat. My friends needed me and I couldn't rush to their side because I was on this retreat. My priorities are shifting and it is proving to be a painful process. My friends and family are still a priority, however they are not my top priority. My first priority is to follow wherever God leads me. 


This has been a tricky thing to figure out, but as I move closer to God I realize where I am going, and it is often not in the same direction as my friends. I know that my first priority should've always been God, but now it has been taken to a whole new level. I was at this retreat instead of by my friend's side. There is a harsh reality to the fact that other people, who I do not know, need me more than my friends. Part of this may be a result of getting older, but last weekend I was overwhelmed with the burden of my call. I am frustrated with the sacrifices I have to make. God does not want a sliver of my being, God wants all of me. Giving my whole self to God is much harder than just saying it. I don't always like what God asks me to do, but those who know me know that if I don't like something, I will generally let you know, then do it anyway. 


I also had an interesting revelation about Christ. In full disclosure Christology was fairly low on my theological spectrum.  I never really understood the importance of having a relationship with Christ. I feel like God and I talk all the time and I feel the Holy Spirit moving within the world, but I didn't know where Christ fit into the Trinity of my every day life. On this retreat I began to understand that Jesus is someone who understands my current difficulty with living into God's call because he lived through the same thing. I hate how cliche it sounds to say this but I began to look at Jesus like a friend. Jesus has struggled with many of the same issues I do because he was human and dealt the same human emotions that I do. I now see Jesus as someone who is with me on my journey and can help me when my humanity gets the best of me. It seems small but it was interesting revelation nonetheless. 


Finally, I also realized that my spiritual growth will forever be obstructed by my theological education. The more I learn about the Bible and God the more critical I become and my faith remains in my head. I was on a spiritual retreat that was meant to be an awakening, but all I could do is analyze what was happening and over analyzing everything. My head is keeping my heart from feeling and that is difficult to change. I am being taught how to think critically about my faith and wrestle with the complexities of God. However, in doing so I believe that I've lost a bit of the emotional connection with God that I had before I came to seminary. Faith is not in your head but in your heart and as I go forward in my ministry I hope to find the balance between the two. I think about God all the time, but I would like to feel God more in my life. 

Day 8

I'm aware that this is ridiculously late and there are many reasons for that. First, I was  exhausted last night and couldn't sit long enough to write it. Secondly, I have been busy today writing a paper and I had to get that done before I could blog (it was a good motivational tool). Third, I am going on a 72 hour retreat this weekend and it starts tonight, I will not be able to blog until Sunday night, and even then I may not be conscious enough to do it. I will write down my events and post them when I get home and get a chance, so do not worry.


So this is where I saw God yesterday. It was ridiculously warm yesterday and I woke up early to get some work done and finished it much earlier than I expected. I decided to take my homework to the lake and get some reading done. I don't know why I ever think that I can accomplish anything at the lake. I was distracted to say the least. I was sittin on the rock break wall when a Mallard duck jumped up off the water. It landed about 5 feet away from me. I'm not a big fan of flying creatures and I was terrified that it would come flying right at me. This duck just sat there and looked around. He wasn't really scared of me and didn't even really notice me. I could not stop staring at him, he was so beautiful! His head was this amazing green iridescent color, a while line, then normal brown. On his back there was more green and his bright orange feet. I've never taken the time to look at a duck closely, but they are full of brilliant colors. A mallard duck is magnificently made by God. The colors and pattern was just astounding to me. I was moved at how much detail there is in a duck. 

Then I went to McCormick worship where THE Ted Heibert preached on the Noah covenant and reminded us that God made the first covenant with all the living creatures not with humans. After my experience in duck watching this was a whole new revelation for me. God's covenant is open to all creatures, including ducks, as equal parts of the kingdom. These two things together were astounding and I see God's creation so differently now because we are all equal because God made the first covenant with us all.