So I wasn't able to keep up with a blog during CPE. It was a trying time full of processing and when I finally got home from a long day, the last thing I wanted to do was to talk more about my feelings and understanding of what was happening. I had a lot of wonderful and horrible experiences that changed me forever and will stay with me for as long as I live.
The semester stared three weeks ago and I was looking forward to the new year and my last fall semester. I started my field site, which is really just a continuation of my duties in the western suburbs of Chicago. After CPE I was ready to get back into academia and get out of my emotions. CPE brings every feeling you have to the surface and while that is not necessarily a bad things, I was ready for 'life as usual'.
In my first meeting with my field site coordinator we were talking about what I wanted out of the experience and my goals for the year. As our discussion was wrapping up she said, "You haven't mentioned New Church Development at all." Yep, she was right, I hadn't said anything about it. I have felt a call to church planting before and I have been working hard to ignore it. I thought that this was something I would do in 15 years or so, so there was no reason to discuss it now. When she asked me that question I started to cry instantaneously. I don't cry and I especially don't cry with big tears, but that's what happened.
In that moment I broke up with God. I want nothing to do with God. I was willing to come to seminary and answer Gods' call for me to be pastor, but to start churches... you have to be kidding me. There's no chance in hell that this is where God wants me to go. I'm to disorganized, spacey, opinionated, and green to start my own church.
Then today, I went to a meeting about the ordination process within the PC(USA). While I've made my way through a large part of the process, the last steps are the hardest and I wanted some ideas. As we were talking about our calls and how to write statements of call. I was not willing to say exactly what I feel I have been called to, but I asked about the roadblocks to ministry and seeking calls. I was essentially told that all of the aforementioned things I said about myself not being ready for New Church Development are only in my head. Yes, I can start a church fresh out of seminary. This is not at ALL what I wanted to hear. Again, I got chocked up. God doesn't know how break-ups work. God's supposed to leave me alone and let me figure this out, but instead I feel as though my life is bombarded with moments of Divine intervention.
For those of you who don't know, I'm going to Haiti in late December to work at an orphanage in partnership with my intern church. I sent out letters to my closest family, friends, and supporters asking for prayers and donations. I sent letters to individuals and not to my home congregation. I was planning on addressing the congregation separately. However, someone from my home church in Ohio, took my letter to the missions committee and offered to pay for 1/4 of my expenses, unanimously before I could even approach them independently. This, in conjunction with family donations I have raised 3/4 of my total cost in 10 days!!!!!!!!!
I was expecting to have to work hard to raise money. I thought I would have to have a bake sale or something to raise the money. Apparently all it takes is asking people, who would have known. God has made a point to show me that breaking up is not an option. This week alone I have experienced more grace and love and God moments than I have in months. I am simply overwhelmed by what God is doing in my life. This is not at all what I expected from my week.
