Tomorrow I start CPE (Clinical Pastoral Education). I will be working at Advocate Christ Hospital where I will spend 14 weeks as a chaplain. CPE has created a great deal of anxiety for me. Not only is tomorrow like the first day of school, hoping I know where I'm going and that I don't make a complete fool of myself. But CPE is going to be intense and I know that. I will be spending the next 14 weeks dealing with death, trauma, and life against the odds. None of these things I have had much experience with. I have been blessed and I've never had anyone very close to me die. I know that I am lucky and I am thankful for that, but I also feel like it puts me at a great disadvantage for helping people who are going through major issues. No one ever knows what to say when someone dies or is struggling with something serious, but I'm especially awkward in these situations.
I am walking into an experience that will shake me to the core. I will grow more than I can imagine and I will learn a lot about myself and God. Knowing all of this makes tomorrow more difficult. I want this experience, I want to grow, but it's terrifying. To know that my theology and everything that I think I know will be questioned and challenged in a million different ways is worrisome. I'm ready. I want to walk in my heart and mind open to whatever comes at me. I am ready. I am anxious and terrified, but I'm ready.
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