Tonight when I left the hospital I felt really good about the night. It was me and another intern together all night and we did well. We managed things well and I feel confident that I can do this, if I need to alone.
What I wasn't expecting was the emotional dumping that happened on my way home. I thought my night went well, and I was feeling good. Then I just started bawling my eyes out. It started as a slow trickle of tears, which I felt like was a good release, but then it just got crazy. The past few days I've seen a couple of people die for various reasons. It's always sad. Being with a family while they are told that their loved one has passed away is difficult. I am often moved by the families expression of love and the stories that they share about their family member.
My reactions to families are the most serious when there are adult children involved. For some reason when an adult child breaks down at their parents bedside, it really pulls on my heart strings. Sure spouses can be upsetting to watch, but when it's a parent it just really affects me. That was the cause of tonights' breakdown. I'm terrified to lose a parent. Death in general is scary and I'm not looking forward to close family members dying. However, there is something about kids mourning the loss of their parent. Tonight I was particularly struck with the idea of losing my dad. Maybe it stems from knowing that he's not taking care of himself like he should. Maybe its comes from my friends who have lost their dads. Maybe its because I've seen more than one man die of a massive heart attack this week. I don't know what I would do if it was my dad there on that table. The slightest thought of that scenario is petrifying.
I've seen men this week who have essentially died instantly, without feeling a thing. I have also met men who are knowingly approaching death and still able to laugh about things. This raises and interesting question for me. Is it better to have some traumatic event and die instantly, or is it better to see it coming and be able to say goodbye and perhaps even enjoy the end? I have been moved by families willingly seeking hospice care for their loved one and enjoying every possible second together. I've also seen the assurance on people's faces when they hear that the death of their loved one was quick. I don't think that knowing you're dying means that you're suffering. Certainly that can be the case, but I think many times attitudes can change that. If someone accepts the inevitability of death, there is a peace that comes to them and their families that difficult to explain. The problem with death is that it cannot be planned, we can't know how we're going to go or how our loved ones will go. This is really a frivolous question, because it's not like it matters if I come up with an answer. I do however, think it's important to know that there is peace and power both instances.
I apologize for the morbidity of this post, but this is where my head is right now. I have realized that being around death has a profound impact on your reality.
No comments:
Post a Comment