Stone Heart

Ezekiel 36:25-27

I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be cleansed of all your pollution. I will cleanse you of all your idols. 26 I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you. I will remove your stony heart from your body and replace it with a living one, 27 and I will give you my spirit so that you may walk according to my regulations and carefully observe my case laws.

Removing my heart of stone

Seminary has been a long and arduous process. While I do not feel that it is complete, I can see how I've changed. I would have never called myself an uncaring individual, but I definitely had a hardened heart. I carried around past heartbreaks and damages. I could not let anyone inside my concrete divider. If I did let you in, it was an honor, because few people had seen what was underneath my tough exterior. 

Now, my though exterior is different. While I do find myself guarded, it's not out of the same motivation, to avoid pain. I am moving closer to self-preservation. For the first time in years I've been allowing myself to actually feel emotions. I can see others people's pain and be with them in that emotion. I no longer avoid emotional situations or deflect with humor (as often as I used to). This weekend someone said, "I can see how seminary has changed you, you're much more pastoral." While this compliment could be seen as, "You used to be such a jerk," I accept it for what it is saying. 

I felt empathy when it was convenient for me to do so. I was kinda a jerk. I admit, that I am no longer free of my deflection or avoidance, it has decreased significantly. It has translated into many of my friendships and relationships. I can be a listening ear for people, which I was never  very good at. I still struggle with trying to fix things for other people but I am significantly better. 

God has removed my stony heart and replaced it one that lives and breathes. It lives through the hearts of other people, it beats to the sound of justice. This transition has not taken place over night, but I feel my heart beating in ways I never thought possible 3 years ago.