Last week I had to preach for a class. My sermon was full of passion and there were points in my sermon that it could be said that I felt the Spirit move (this can be a topic for later conversations). I left the pulpit feeling like I had spoken a portable message and proud of it. Overall, the comments were good and affirming and the critiques were all warranted. One comment stood out to me and has almost haunted me this entire week. "Why are you so angry? You should be happy about the words you say."
I have realized that much of my passion in life is derived from anger. I feel called to action by that which angers me. Homophobia angers me, social injustice angers me, violence angers me, sexism angers me. When I am angry I want to do something about it. I don't think that this is too contrary to how most people react, especially politically. I have been the most involved when I am angry with an individual politician or current issue that is being mishandled. I wasn't involved in campaigns that I thought were well intentioned and fought for the causes I supported. I was active in campaigns against something.
God and I are currently operating under this formula. I am fighting against God, historical interpretations of God, Scripture etc. I spent 10 years fighting God's call for me to come to seminary, and now that I'm here, I'm more pissed off than I was before. I'm mad at God. God wants more from my life than I am ready to give. I thought submitting to God's vocation was enough, but it's not.
1 Corinthians 9:16-18
For when I preach the gospel, I cannot boast, since I am compelled to preach. Woe to me if I do not preach the gospel! If I preach voluntarily, I have a reward; if not voluntarily, I am simply discharging the trust committed to me. What then is my reward? Just this: that in preaching the gospel I may offer it free of charge, and so not make full use of my rights as a preacher of the gospel.
I am compelled to preach and really, woe to me if I don't. At this point in my journey I cannot see my life without preaching in it. My life would be unfulfilled if I was not able to share the message of God with the world.
That being said, I don't feel like I have agency in my life. God has called me, God knows me better than I know myself and knows that ministry is where I will be fulfilled. However, I feel like my life choices are being made for me. I am just hear living in the life God has planned for me. I cannot take credit for all of the amazing gifts that God has given to me and I know that I don't deserve them. Conversely, I am only responsible for the bad things in my life, and not the good because those are clearly from God. I can understand how some challenges are placed before me by God in order for me to grow and experience them, but my response is the only control I have in my life. How I respond to either good or bad, and I'm surly good at making bad things happens. I feel like I'm stuck in the negative cycle where I don't see how I'm acting to do anything in this world, I'm just agreeing to do what God tells me and I feel like I'm a puppet. I see the reward of preaching but is it voluntary if I felt like I had no other choice? I could have not come to seminary, but I would still be haunted with an incomplete life and what ifs.
I feel like God's will has forced it's way into becoming my will and that's why I'm angry. All I want is to feel some sense of agency, some role in my life other than being a "Yes" person. Is that even possible?
