Day 7:

Today I may or may not have eaten an entire bag of gummie bears, it's been a rough day. Thanks Mom and Dad for the cavities. It's been a very stressful week and the work keeps piling on top of me. Classes are intensifying and I have more homework to do that I can possibly manage. Despite the chaos I had three hours to think about why I am putting myself through all of this.


In my Preaching Paul class with Dr. Braxton I have seen God on many occasions. Tonight was no different. We had a paper due tonight and I was just not happy about going to class because I was tired and didn't really want to talk about the paper anymore. We didn't talk about the papers (which we were given an 2 day extension on, there is grace!). We watched Braxton preach a sermon and talked to him about it. Through this conversation we talked about how to make preaching relevant in different cultural context.


I walked away enlivened. I truly believe that I can help bring fire to a cold and stiff pulpit. Our Presbyterian preaching tradition has not been emotive or passionate and I feel a need to be a part of changing that tradition. I don't want to be a white woman who preaches like an African American preacher. I want to be a preacher visibly filled with the Spirit. I want to be someone who's voice quakes and arms flail and my body takes on a language of it's own. Don't worry, I'm not trying to be Pentecostal either. But I want to lose myself to the Words of God so much so that I am not aware of what my body is doing. God has planted this seed within me and my spirit is filled with the possibilities of what I can do. My body is weak and I'm exhausted right now, but after walking out of Braxton's class my spirit has been renewed and for that I am truly grateful. 

Day 6

Today we started a Bible study at school. I know it sounds odd, but there hasn't been a Bible study at McCormick. It's hard to coordinate schedules and admittedly, some days I'm tired of the Bible. If you cook all day the last thing you want to do at night is cook. We had an amazingly fruitful discussion about prayer. How do we pray, why do we pray, what do we think happens when we pray etc. It was completely organic, we read a passage and just let our conversation go wehre it needed to go. 


In this discussion I realized that this blog has become my prayer. I so desperately want to see God and be in communication with God that I've missed the forest through the trees. I am becoming more aware of God in my life and that is an act of prayer. I'm still trying to use prayer beads at night and 'traditionally' pray but its mostly a struggle to focus. I saw God in this discussion and the confessions of seminarians about our prayer life. None of us feel like we're as close to God as we should be. By admitting that I feel free to begin to look for God wherever I can. Not just for the purpose of responding to you all every night, but how can I engage God regularly.


What is the 21st century way to pray? How will our generation view prayer? Is it practical to expect people to quietly reflect on their lives when nothing is ever quiet for us? Why do we feel so guilty for not subscribing to the spiritual practices of different generations? How can we redefine prayer? I really wanna know what you think, because I can see that our generation will be different, but I don't really know how or what that looks like. 

Day 5

I led my first high school small group tonight. The youth director had been at a men's retreat all weekend and asked me to lead tonight. I have been waiting for this opportunity for a while now and I'm so glad that I did. I had to lead a mini worship, which was fine. The only problem was that the leader is normally the accompaniment. So we were left singing Awesome God and Sanctuary a capella, they never fail me. 


Tonight's topic was about stress, how to deal with stress and how Lent can help us. I thought I did a fairly good job at writing discussion questions, leading them into figuring out that by praying they can relieve a lot of stress from their lives. Turns out, these kids don't need me at all. The discussion went great! They were involved and talkative and knew exactly where I was going with this. I didn't really lead them anywhere. They asked questions of each other and showed more depth than most adults I know. 


I was stressed about this small group time. I didn't know what to talk about and how they would react. Whenever you lead a small group of teens there is the fear that no one will talk. Turns out, an hour later, I had to cut them off because it was time to go.  I see the irony in being stressed about a small group on stress, but these kids taught me a few things. They talked about prayer being more than sitting at your bed at night and how God can act as your inner monologue. They know that prayer works and have no doubts about God's plan for their lives. Their faith is incredible and tonight God spoke to me through a group of teens that I was supposed to be teaching about God. It is truly amazing to how deep their faith is and how much they understand and still know that they will never truly understand God. Our God is an Awesome God.

Day 4

I met up with my oldest brother and sister-in-law while they were in Chicago for the weekend. I am continually amazed at how well we get along. Scott and I weren't close growing up because we're so far apart in age. We grew really close when we were both in Chicago and after living with his family for a year and being an everyday part of each others lives we were almost more like friends. 


I miss him now at odd times, and most of them are sports related. I don't know much about what's going on and I don't keep up, so I got most of my information from him. Today at brunch we saw Jonathan Toews, the captain of the Chicago Blackhawks. I saw Toews, looked at my brother, he nodded, no words were needed. I was star struck and it seems so stupid now. What is even crazier is that my brother and I bonded over that moment. We watched a fair amount of hockey together last year and it was often a topic of conversation. But in that moment, we were on the same page. For as different as we are as individuals we have a lot in common. We caught up on what's going on in our lives, but the rest of the day Toews continued to be part of the conversation.


In the small unimportant moments of life, like seeing a hockey player in a restaurant,  I see God. Even though Scott and I rarely ever talk now that we don't live together, nothing has changed. Within 5 minutes of seeing each other we were connected. It almost sounds silly now, but in that moment God brought us together again. 

Day 3

After all of the anxiety yesterday, today turned out ok. Things work out in the end. Some results were good and some were great. Tonight everyone will sleep better and our plans will continue. I saw God in all of these results, through the excitement and ease, and even the worry. God was there. I was kind of expecting today to be like this. Overjoy for about 10 minutes, then we resume our lives. 


When I really saw God was in a goody box I got from my parents. I was never the kid in college who got a box full of junk from home to share with the floor. It's just not who we are. So when I got sick this week my parents said they were going to send me something to make me feel better. My dad asked what kind of cookies I wanted, and I told him. So I was expecting a box of cookies, maybe a card with $20 or something. Instead I got a box full of my favorite junk food. No homemade cookies but goldfish, potato sticks, gummy bears, store made puppy chow, iced animal cookies, and Valentine's Day chocolates. I also got packing tape and a mini thing of deodorant for no apparent reason. (Dad must have been let loose at the dollar store or something) This is where I see God. I don't need words of encouragement from my parents, or 'I love you' at the end of a phone call. A box of junk food is all the support I need. 


As grown up as I think I am, I called both my parents everyday when I was sick. I am 28 years old and I still want my parents to take care of me when I'm sick. It makes me laugh. In the middle of a crazy semester where I'm behind more than I'm ahead I get fuel for the journey. I've gotten affirmation and junk food, that should get me through the next two weeks. God has blessed me with a family that loves me and supports me, even though they evidently think I need deodorant. 

Day 2

Today, I feel like God was everywhere! I had a few moments today when I thought, "I should write about this tonight". A part of me wants to stock pile these us, in the event that I have a bad and uneventful day, but today wasn't a particularly good day, but I still saw God all over the place. 


First, I met with McCormick people about my field site and stuff for next year. I saw God in the affirmation of my calling, but also in the space to recognize that Knox is a part of that calling. I am meant to be here and I am so excited to spend another year there learning and growing. I see God's hand working in my life and that's great. 


Secondly, there was a small gliche in my CPE plans for this summer. Again, I feel affirmed in my calling and knowing that Christ (Advocate Hospital not JC) is where I am supposed to be. However, I was reminded that just because it fits perfectly and is everything I want, it doesn't mean that God doesn't have more in store for me. It looks like Christ will be more difficult than I anticipated. I had a moment of "Ya can't just let me be happy with it can ya, ya gotta keep pushing don't ya?" I knew Christ would be a challenge, but a new obstacle has presented itself and I see that God really wants me to be pushed. I'm not happy about it, but I get it. Nothing is as simples as we want it to be and I should know that when things go smoothly, it's just the calm before the storm. Game on God, I see what you're up to. 


Lastly, I have a few friends whose lives are going to be changed tomorrow. Waiting on test results and placements that will determine the next few years and what seems like the rest of their lives. The anticipation and anxiety are high and there are no words of encouragement that I can offer them.  Those are some of the most stressful days and weeks most of us will ever know, weeks of waiting. Its all about having a plan. Most people have an idea of what life is supposed to look like and when that future is in someone else's hands we get anxious. But why? (I fully acknowledge this is a perfect place to talk about predestination, but it's not happening tonight) Why do we get so anxious when we don't know what the future holds? 


As I was reading for Dr. Braxton's class I read a quote in one of his sermons that fit this situation perfectly. “It’s a short step from having an interest in your life and making an idol god out of your life.” I think we make an idol out of our lives. The plan. The way it's supposed to be. We constantly work the plan, everyday is another step in the plan. The plan we see, isn't God's plan. We put all this time, effort, and energy into our plan, even figuring out God's plan. Regardless of the direction in which we are led, our destination is the same. As I wait with my friends to see what tomorrow brings, it's not with anxiety. God will lead us where we need to be. I trust in God's plan, wherever that takes us. 

Day 1

So my first week was a little rough. I'm not disciplined at all, especially at night to keep this going. However, it is my lenten promise to keep this going (fingers crossed)


Ash Wednesday it is supposed to be a day of repentance and atonement. Today was not like that at all for me. I did feel guilty for not going to Community Worship today, but I have been sick and didn't want to spread my germs. Having been cooped up in my apartment for the last 3 days with the flu today was my first day back in the world. Coming back to the world meant seeing my friends. I have a few friends who are struggling right now and there is nothing I want more than to help them through this. God has placed people in our lives for a reason. I have had some friends for 20 years and some for only a few months and they all have had a profound impact on my life. 


I went into today wondering how strong I was going to be, I didn't know if I could make it a whole day. I haven't left my bed since Saturday. But as I return to my bed for the night I realize that not only was I strong enough to make it through the day but I'm reassured that I helped other people get through the day too. I have been so blessed by the people who call me their friend that it can be overwhelming. What I find even more amazing is that many of these people I don't think of as friends, but as sisters and brothers. So for today, I have seen God in the people that have been placed in my life because through them I see God. 

I should really think about writing things before 2am, but it just doesn't really happen. My apologies. Today I saw God in my understanding of the apostle Paul. I hated Paul, he's a misogynist that encourages slavery and the oppression of all LGBTQ brothers and sisters among other things. While I think he has said many things that have been destructive to the body of Christ, today I found myself understanding him in a new light. He's not so bad, he may have said a few lines of really horrible things, but overall, his message for the church is profound. I saw God in my ability to look at the letter of Paul critically and see my own bias from another perspective. While I'm still not on Paul's side of things, I am liking him more. I am thankful for the ability to see past my own context to look at the world in a biblical one and still make sense of it. On Valentines day I learned not to condemn Paul because of a few highly problematic sentences but to embrace the fallibility of all humans, even those who wrote the Bible.

So today... well now technically yesterday I saw God in an interesting way. This is a super busy week and everyone is stressed out. This semester is proving to be particularly difficult and labor intensive for most of us. Despite all of the chaos and homework that have consumed my thoughts, I sat and talked with someone about everything and nothing. What started out as a little homework help, turned into one of the deepest conversations I've had. It wasn't particularly profound or life changing, just two friends hanging out talking about things. I am grateful for time to forget about how busy we are and remember that we're still people and not the academic robots we sometimes feel that we are. It may not be my best decision, seeing that I have a full day ahead of me and I'm hoping for 4 hours of sleep. But, I am glad that I got to hang out and be a friend, not a pastoral you need a friend kind of way but as if we were two friends talking for hours.

I've decided to try something different, blogging. I have no idea if I will be able to keep up with it or not, but I think it will be a good way for me to share my thoughts with the world.  I have been inspired to start this blog because I have an urge to focus on the positive things in my life and not the negative. It started with a question, "Where is God in my life?" I have been blessed in many ways and I often don't get a chance to express how blessed I am. In a world that begs to see God daily and where violence and oppression often hide the acts of God, I want to start locally, and where I see God. As I am developing my own spiritual disciplines, I want to focus on how God is acting in my life every day. Where do I see God? How is God acting in my life? 


My response and goal is to post daily about where I see God and how I have felt blessed that day. The Spirit is with us, but we often over look it. My aim is to pay attention, and I hope you follow me on this journey. 


Today I saw God in the reminder that while we lost a great artist, Whitney Houston, last night, we lose thousands of people everyday to drugs and addiction. I hope that our thoughts and prayers are not only for a family reeling from grief, but also all those families who lose a piece of a loved one every time they get high or drunk. The world is much bigger than celebrity and fame.