quick and dirty or long and intentional?

Tonight  when I left the hospital I felt really good about the night. It was me and another intern together all night and we did well. We managed things well and I feel confident that I can do this, if I need to alone. 


What I wasn't expecting was the emotional dumping that happened on my way home. I thought my night went well, and I was feeling good. Then I just started bawling my eyes out. It started as a slow trickle of tears, which I felt like was a good release, but then it just got crazy. The past few days I've seen a couple of people die for various reasons. It's always sad. Being with a family while they are told that their loved one has passed away is difficult. I am often moved by the families expression of love and the stories that they share about their family member. 


My reactions to families are the most serious when there are adult children involved. For some reason when an adult child breaks down at their parents bedside, it really pulls on my heart strings. Sure spouses can be upsetting to watch, but when it's a parent it just really affects me. That was the cause of tonights' breakdown. I'm terrified to lose a parent. Death in general is scary and I'm not looking forward to close family members dying. However, there is something about kids mourning the loss of their parent. Tonight I was particularly struck with the idea of losing my dad. Maybe it stems from knowing that he's not taking care of himself like he should. Maybe its comes from my friends who have lost their dads. Maybe its because I've seen more than one man die of a massive heart attack this week. I don't know what I would do if it was my dad there on that table.  The slightest thought of that scenario is petrifying. 


I've seen men this week who have essentially died instantly, without feeling a thing. I have also met men who are knowingly approaching death and still able to laugh about things. This raises and interesting question for me. Is it better to have some traumatic event and die instantly, or is it better to see it coming and be able to say goodbye and perhaps even enjoy the end? I have been moved by families willingly seeking hospice care for their loved one and enjoying every possible second together. I've also seen the assurance on people's faces when they hear that the death of their loved one was quick. I don't think that knowing you're dying means that you're suffering. Certainly that can be the case, but I think many times attitudes can change that. If someone accepts the inevitability of death, there is a peace that comes to them and their families that difficult to explain. The problem with death is that it cannot be planned, we can't know how we're going to go or how our loved ones will go. This is really a frivolous question, because it's not like it matters if I come up with an answer. I do however, think it's important to know that there is peace and power both instances. 


I apologize for the morbidity of this post, but this is where my head is right now. I have realized that being around death has a profound impact on your reality. 

Friday night

This week has been relatively uneventful. My first full week on the floors, making rounds and whatnot went by pretty smoothly. I had some awkward encounters, I have managed to attract every dirty old man in the hospital, so that's always fun. I have actually helped people and been able to minister to them and pray with them. I've listened to a lot of great stories and heard many complaints about 'kids these days'. It's been a fairly good week. 


Tonight I opted to take the evening shift. Instead of coming in at 8am, I came in at 4pm. Yes, it was a Friday night, but I got to sleep in this morning. I had a wonderful morning of sleeping in and brunch with friends, followed by a quick nap. I came into the hospital expecting a crazy night, and it wasn't as crazy as I thought it would be. I didn't see the violence I was expecting, it was mostly just sick people. I became familiar with death paperwork as I had to go through it 3 times tonight. I am officially a chaplain after tonight because I've managed to do much of this on my own. Ir has been interesting to see how different families handle death. There really is no standard of what people do when their loved ones die. Being with families during this time isn't as difficult as I thought it would be. Families are generally easy to read in these types of circumstances. I've become very interested in how people deal with things and its not as awkward as I once thought. 


The problem I see myself having tonight is that I'm coming home from the hospital and I have to go to bed shortly there after. There is not a lot of time to decompress and let today sink in. I'm exhausted, but I'm still awake. I couldn't call anyone on the way home from work, because it was almost 1am. There is literally nothing on TV for a distraction. I'm stuck thinking about today instead of passing out. Luckily, this shift won't be a regular part of my week and I will be able to resume some sense of normalcy before going to bed. Tonight, I'll be an episode of Law and Order and games on my phone. 

the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day

So two days into having floors I have my first breakdown. CPE is proving to be much more difficult than I initially imagined. My breakdown Friday was the culmination of a lot of things, and only a few were CPE related. First, I had a scholarship application due Friday, which I forgot about, so I had to wake up at 5am and write an essay. Then as I go to print out my essay, the printer doesn't have any ink. So I had to leave it in the hopes that my wonderful roommate would print it out and mail it for me (which she did!!!). Then I walk out the door and leave my lunch on the counter. AND once I get to Starbucks (because I've been up since 5) they didn't give me the blonde coffee that I wanted. So by the time I got to the hospital I was not a happy person. 


As I go up on the floors and round, I just had one bad reception after another. Looking back on it, there wasn't anything really horrible that happened, it just wasn't doing well. I kept finding myself in positions that I didn't know what to do. I felt like a baby giraffe trying to walk. Once I got my legs under me there was another set back. I think it really comes from a general feeling of incompetence. I feel like I'm doing everything wrong. I can't find my place on the floor. I'm finding it difficult to navigate through doctors, nurses, physical therapist etc. There can't always be a bad time to see people, but I'm really good at finding it. I just feel very uneasy. I know that its only been 2 days and I can't really expect to have it all figured out, but I feel like I don't have any of it figured out. 


I am also finding myself almost haunted by my bad interactions. I don't know how to get these events out of my mind. I feel like I'm representing myself poorly, and subsequently representing God poorly. I know that it seems like a lot of pressure to put on myself, but its still a reality where I have to find balance. I'm human, I make mistakes, but Friday was just a series of mistakes. I don't handle that as well as I thought I would. I didn't think that perfectionism was still a struggle of mine, but I guess on some levels and with some things it really is an issue. I don't want to be perfect, I want to be good. I want to be able to say the right thing, and know the right time to pray, or leave, or hold someone's hand. I don't have instincts. I'm all too aware of my social awkwardness and that is difficult for an extravert to handle. The one thing I thought I was good at was just talking to people, and now I can't find any words to say to anyone. I'm hoping this passes soon and I'll start having good things mixed in with the bad. 

the ethics of a CPE 'no'

Today in our training for CPE we were confronted with the issue of baptism and communion. While I have started to address these issues in my head there is not concrete answer.  I know what my denomination says I should do, and I have my own thoughts on that. Today I was told that the World Council of Churches believes that in extreme circumstances any believer can baptize someone else. In a hospital setting, no circumstance is ideal. People can't be baptized in front of their faith community or commune with them during the Eucharist. These things are simply not possible and I don't think that it means that they shouldn't be done. 


I think it will be harder to deny a someone baptism or communion than to break the laws of the church. I do not feel that I, as a person called by God to lead God's people, has the right to deny anyone a means for which they believe they can see God. (I understand that this could go to a, what if they see God in killing someone? kinda way, but for my own thoughts, let's assume that their request is reasonable.) Could I look at someone in the eyes and say no? Do I have the right to deny anyone an important ritual of faith? Can I knowingly keep someone from seeing God and feeling the comfort of God? 


Many of these questions were clear in my head as to where I am theologically in those circumstances. Up until we talked about baptizing someone who has already been baptized. Sometimes people view baptism as a cleansing ritual that is to be done as needed. If I am approached to baptize an adult, that has presumably been baptized, would I do it? The same pastoral care issues apply, I don't want to deny anyone that closeness with God. However, I also feel that this theologically is harder for me to justify. I understand from a pastoral perspective why it could be important, but I don't know if I could do it. I don't know why I'm so opposed to it. If someone thinks they're dying and in order to go to heaven, they need to be baptized again, I don't want that person to believe they're going to hell because they haven't been made clean. The hospital is not the time or place to discuss church differences/ polity. It's all very confusing and it's only my 2nd week...

a seed has been planted

Today I went on a mini retreat with my CPE group. It was really great to get to know one another better and just hang out like 'normal' people. In the afternoon we walked a beautiful labyrinth. I've grown to hate labyrinths, because I open myself up to God and I rarely get what I want. I wanted some direction for CPE and what I should be focusing on as I go through this process. I opened myself up to the possibility that my call could be to chaplaincy. It doesn't sound as scary as I once thought it did, and I think it would be a good call. To me chaplaincy is stable, with hours that you work and set days off. The idea of serving God and ministering to people 9-5 has many benefits. But what I see now is that being a chaplain would be running from my call. The most terrifying aspect to being in parish ministry, to me, is the unpredictability. I like plans and I like to plan me time, to know when I can shut down for a few hours/ a day. Once you are a pastor, you are a pastor forever, 24/7. It is not something you get to clock in and out of, its all the time.


Most of my anger with God the past few months revolve around this issue of time/ lifestyle. I want a 9-5, I'm ok with evenings and weekends, when I can anticipate them. I struggle to see my life dictated by the needs of others. While rationally, I understand that day to day ministry is not this unstable and taxing, and that it is more about setting parameters for yourself and  your work. However, for me this is a manifestation of the essence of my call and relationship with God. God doesn't want just my 9-5 life, but my entire life. That is tough, that is the part that I struggle with. 


So today while I was walking in the labyrinth, very little of this was made clear. What I did feel expressed to me is what type of parish ministry I should be doing. Again, God can never make it easy for me, or make it something that I actually want to do. A part of me hesitates to say it even aloud, in fear that I am wrong. Every time you think you hear God, your brain says, "that can't be right." I think that God is telling me to go into new church development. A large portion of my walk today the words 'church plant' rang in my head. I have had discussions with people about how church plants can benefit the denomination as a whole, and even in specific communities. We've talked generally about how to redesign church and how that's best done with new churches. The subject interests me from a philosophical stand point, Is it better to work within a broken system or to start fresh? However, I haven't given much thought to actually doing it myself. Maybe in 20 years, after I've established myself and feel more willing to take risks and less fearful of the consequences. I have many more thoughts about this... but for now I think God is crazy, and I think i'm even more crazy for actually considering this. 

CPE media?

CPE is already making me feel emotional. I find myself closer to being on the verge of tears more often.  I was in a situation where I felt as though someone was stepping on my toes. Instead of my normal role of the eyes and inner frustration, I stewed. When I talked to someone about it I got chocked up, which is not typical. 


I admit that chemically my hormones are going through a transitional phase from one medication to another, so I understand that this is a major contributing factor. Whatever rational scientific explanation I give myself,  it's not enough to save me from my paranoia. Is CPE going to make me crazy? 6 weeks in will I be able to hold it together? How does one begin to process the feelings and events that I will see in the next 2 months?


 I am hoping that blogging is part of this process, thinking about each day and putting it out there. However, I understand the risks of journalling for public consumption, particularly when I'm dealing with a hospital and the private info of patients. I don't know if this is the best medium for me to share my experiences. However, I think it's also important that my experiences be shared. Sharing my experiences is beneficial for me, but I hope it is helpful to you too. Not only do I have the exceedingly high hopes that my theological questions will encourage others to ponder them as well, but I also hope that you'll learn from my stumbles. I want this to be journey that people can go on with me. My hope is that the articulation of my feelings throughout this process can resonate with others and help them to become more self-aware or introspective. 


So here is my big theological/ ethical question: Is open honesty helpful? I secretly hope that by being an open book people will be encouraged to be open too. Does that even happen? Is 100% honesty only beneficial for me? Can it harm others? How does my role as Pastor inform this idea? Is it my responsibility to be open with my experiences as a faith leader? Is there a limit to that? 


Can blogging about myself and my experiences be ministry? 


** These questions are rhetorical but comments are welcome. 

baptism by fire

 Wow! What to say about the second day.  Baptism by fire is definitely my style because I learned and saw a lot today. While I'm still struggling to know the acronyms for the units I'm in rooms with families praying. I really don't know what to think about all of this or how to begin processing it. It was a sad day, but it was also kind of exciting. There are a lot of odd emotions. I was excited to see a baptism, but not under these conditions. So that's an odd emotion to process. 


In addition to seeing somethings that 'normal' people don't see (dead bodies) theological issues have already come up. If someone wants a baptism is it ethical for me to say, 'Sorry I'm not allowed to do that' especially if it is towards the end of someones life? Or where's the line between doing what the patient needs and holding on to your own spiritual integrity? Do you pray for a miracle? for God to bring someone back to life? Can you pray something that you don't believe if it's a pastoral care issue? I even had a hard time with 'trespass and those who trespass against us'. It is inauthentic to say something that I wouldn't normally say to appease those around me? The one thing I've learned thus far is that there are rarely answers to my questions. I will have to figure out things on my own. I'm not really comforted by that, I'd rather have some baseline and then figure out what works. 


Tonight was relatively quiet and I learned a lot. I also realized that even though I feel completely awkward, this is all do able. Nothing has been presented that I've thought, "I can't do that". Time actually goes by quickly and it's interesting and not horrible. Even though I saw  some pretty sad and messed up things today, it was a good day. I am grateful for an opportunity to learn in this environment and with such wonderful people. 

CPE Day 1: Diving in

I've noticed something very interesting about myself. It's not a new discovery, but I repeatedly shock myself.  We need to complete 16 shadowing hours within the next two weeks. These shifts are for 4 hours after our regular 8-4 shifts and on the weekends. A few people have chosen to take 8 hours over the weekend, but no, not me. I'm adding four hours to my second day. Tomorrow, I will leave my house at 7am to return around 10pm.


I have received little to no actual training, today we just familiarized ourselves with the building and each other. And tomorrow, I actually start doing things that I really don't think I have any business doing. I am ready to jump in and that's exactly what I did. It may be really dumb, but a very big part of me is excited to see exactly what I will be doing and then learn the rules. 


I often teater on whether or not I'm super type A or not. Sometimes I'm able to jump in head first without looking, but other times I'm really hesitant and unsure. I haven't really been able to find a pattern, but jumping in is more of my style. I'm much more comfortable with a baptism by fire approach. That's how I learned Greek and Hebrew, that how I approached seminary, and now CPE. The common denominator is God. God has given me the confidence to try this. I don't think I'd be this secure if I didn't know that God has meant for me to be here, at this hospital at this time. This placement is perfect for me and I feel reassured. God has led me here and I am able act without thinking and letting myself get in the way. I'm just gonna do it because I know that God's got my back. I'm sure I'll make a splash... 

CPE Anxiety

Tomorrow I start CPE (Clinical Pastoral Education). I will be working at Advocate Christ Hospital where I will spend 14 weeks as a chaplain. CPE has created a great deal of anxiety for me. Not only is tomorrow like the first day of school, hoping I know where I'm going and that I don't make a complete fool of myself. But CPE is going to be intense and I know that. I will be spending the next 14 weeks dealing with death, trauma, and life against the odds. None of these things I have had much experience with. I have been blessed and I've never had anyone very close to me die. I know that I am lucky and I am thankful for that, but I also feel like it puts me at a great disadvantage for helping people who are going through major issues. No one ever knows what to say when someone dies or is struggling with something serious, but I'm especially awkward in these situations. 


I am walking into an experience that will shake me to the core. I will grow more than I can imagine and I will learn a lot about myself and God. Knowing all of this makes tomorrow more difficult. I want this experience, I want to grow, but it's terrifying. To know that my theology and everything that I think I know will be questioned and challenged in a million different ways is worrisome. I'm ready. I want to walk in my heart and mind open to whatever comes at me. I am ready. I am anxious and terrified, but I'm ready.