I can't hear

Revelation 3:18-22

18 My advice is that you buy gold from me that has been purified by fire so that you may be rich, and white clothing to wear so that your nakedness won’t be shamefully exposed, and ointment to put on your eyes so that you may see. 19 I correct and discipline those whom I love. So be earnest and change your hearts and lives. 20 Look! I’m standing at the door and knocking. If any hear my voice and open the door, I will come in to be with them, and will have dinner with them, and they will have dinner with me. 21 As for those who emerge victorious, I will allow them to sit with me on my throne, just as I emerged victorious and sat down with my Father on his throne. 22 If you can hear, listen to what the Spirit is saying to the churches. ”

So, I know that I skipped this weekend, but I actually read the verses I was supposed, but I just didn't have the capacity to write about them. Finals week is upon me and in full force. I have a huge project due Tuesday and I seem to be dragging my feet about it. I start working a little bit, and then I can't work anymore. Part of that is because I've had a fairly emotionally charged weekend. I ask for your prayers for my grandfather, he went into the hospital last night with signs of heart attack and is having an angioplasty tomorrow morning. 

Tonight, I'm having a hard time focusing on this passage. I'm having a hard time distracting myself from the work I have to do and thinking about my grandpa. I'm drawn to the last vers, 'if you can hear, listen.' Some days, I can't hear, and I think today is one of them. I'm too cluttered with other things. In addition to finals and my sick grandpa, I have asked for clarity. I'm having a hard time distinguishing what I want from what God wants. I know that they can be one in the same, but how do you know when that happens? 

 I want to hear, I need God's answers, but I also recognize that I am not in a place to listen. I know that if I sit in prayer for a while I will either run through my to do list or fall asleep from exhaustion. So tonight, I will go to bed without answers, and hope that tomorrow I can hear.

taking pride in our problems

Romans 5:1-5

Therefore, since we have been made righteous through his faithfulness combined with our faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. 2 We have access by faith into this grace in which we stand through him, and we boast in the hope of God’s glory. 3 But not only that! We even take pride in our problems, because we know that trouble produces endurance, 4 endurance produces character, and character produces hope. 5 This hope doesn’t put us to shame, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

Well, that didn't take long. 5 days in and I find a 'problematic' text. Welcome to my life as a seminarian. I read a lot of Scripture, and I don't like it all the time. I'm sure I could go and exegete my way through this one, but instead, let's take it at face value. Verses 3 and 4 are tough pills to swallow. I don't take pride in my problems. I understand that going through difficult times can make us stronger, however, I think it's just a way to justify bad things happening. This is difficult to write, knowing that I'm really putting myself out there. This passage just sounds a little too much like 'everything happens for a reason' or 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.' I find these cliches difficult to understand. Do we tell a woman who was raped that it happened for a reason? Or tell a grieving parent that it'll make them stronger? Is that what gives people the hope of Jesus Christ? 

Do we hope that things going according to plan or do we hope for an end of these things? Do we hope to see the day where no one's innocence is taken or do we hope that they will be stronger after it? The peace that I have through the love of God, as shown through Christ. My peace comes from a God whose love continues to pour into out hearts, making us new. My hope is in the work of Holy Spirit to work through people to end our 'problems'. My hope will not be put to shame by those who boast in their problems, because I am acting in the world so that these problems cease to exist. 

During Advent, the week of Hope nonetheless I hope. My hope is for a Christ that leads us by example to value all human life. A Christ that works to eradicate injustice and bring peace and civility to our world. My hope is not for endurance or character, but for everyone to feel the love of God that I feel. 

Against me

Psalm 27: 11-14

11 LORD , teach me your way;

because of my opponents, lead me on a good path.

12 Don’t give me over to the desires of my enemies,

because false witnesses and violent accusers

have taken their stand against me.

13 But I have sure faith

that I will experience the LORD ’s goodness

in the land of the living!

14 Hope in the LORD !

Be strong! Let your heart take courage!

Hope in the LORD !

My journey has been one of asking the God to teach me the way. Half the battle of faith is recognizing what is our way and what is God's way. Knowing the difference is difficult and a never ending process. As I continue to decipher my calling, I am noticing that my path comes with a fair amount of adversaries. Talking to people about faith is a risky business. If you imply that you believe somethings differently than someone in the room, there is a lot at stake. People do not like being told their beliefs are misguided or even wrong. When people cling to their faith as a survival skill, which many people do, there is more wrapped up in their faith than their theology. 

Nothing in church work is worth doing if it doesn't cause a few enemies. I have found myself searching for the 'right' way to piss people off. I truly believe that to speak to the truth is to make people upset. The key lays in the balance of not pissing people off for the fun of it and being afraid to piss people off. I do believe that I will experience God's goodness in the land of living! I have experienced it and I continue to do so. The focus on this is in the land of living. My true prayer for this would be for the Church to be a land of living. A place where people are courageous, stand sure in their faith and are led in straight paths. I pray this prayer for the Church, to piss people off, to ask for God's guidance despite the nay sayers. I'm pretty sure there is a Proverb somewhere that says, "The oppositional will always be with you." I may have mixed that up... but you get my point. 

Stone Heart

Ezekiel 36:25-27

I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be cleansed of all your pollution. I will cleanse you of all your idols. 26 I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you. I will remove your stony heart from your body and replace it with a living one, 27 and I will give you my spirit so that you may walk according to my regulations and carefully observe my case laws.

Removing my heart of stone

Seminary has been a long and arduous process. While I do not feel that it is complete, I can see how I've changed. I would have never called myself an uncaring individual, but I definitely had a hardened heart. I carried around past heartbreaks and damages. I could not let anyone inside my concrete divider. If I did let you in, it was an honor, because few people had seen what was underneath my tough exterior. 

Now, my though exterior is different. While I do find myself guarded, it's not out of the same motivation, to avoid pain. I am moving closer to self-preservation. For the first time in years I've been allowing myself to actually feel emotions. I can see others people's pain and be with them in that emotion. I no longer avoid emotional situations or deflect with humor (as often as I used to). This weekend someone said, "I can see how seminary has changed you, you're much more pastoral." While this compliment could be seen as, "You used to be such a jerk," I accept it for what it is saying. 

I felt empathy when it was convenient for me to do so. I was kinda a jerk. I admit, that I am no longer free of my deflection or avoidance, it has decreased significantly. It has translated into many of my friendships and relationships. I can be a listening ear for people, which I was never  very good at. I still struggle with trying to fix things for other people but I am significantly better. 

God has removed my stony heart and replaced it one that lives and breathes. It lives through the hearts of other people, it beats to the sound of justice. This transition has not taken place over night, but I feel my heart beating in ways I never thought possible 3 years ago. 

Advent Day 2

Psalm 51:1-12

Have mercy on me, God, according to your faithful love!

Wipe away my wrongdoings according to your great compassion!

2 Wash me completely clean of my guilt;

purify me from my sin!

3 Because I know my wrongdoings,

my sin is always right in front of me.

4 I’ve sinned against you—you alone.

I’ve committed evil in your sight.

That’s why you are justified when you render your verdict,

completely correct when you issue your judgment.

5 Yes, I was born in guilt, in sin,

from the moment my mother conceived me.

6 And yes, you want truth in the most hidden places;

you teach me wisdom in the most secret space.

7 Purify me with hyssop and I will be clean;

wash me and I will be whiter than snow.

8 Let me hear joy and celebration again;

let the bones you crushed rejoice once more.

9 Hide your face from my sins;

wipe away all my guilty deeds!

10 Create a clean heart for me, God;

put a new, faithful spirit deep inside me!

11 Please don’t throw me out of your presence;

please don’t take your holy spirit away from me.

12 Return the joy of your salvation to me

and sustain me with a willing spirit

Finals time has come upon me, and I am procrastinating as usual. There are a million things I should be doing, but I don't really want to do any of them until the last possible moment. My class tonight the importance of being able to play. Play is a healthy means for us to live with our emotions and keeps our souls alive. I completely agree with this and I need to find new and better ways to keep play alive. 

While this passage is begging God for forgiveness and mercy, the last verse is what stood out to me. My life not only lacks good solid play, but also the joy of salvation. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful to have a God that loves me enough to sacrifice a son. But joy is not something I'm particularly good at. Many times I feel unworthy of such a gift or as though I have to prove to God how grateful I am. Joy... that is truly my prayer for tonight. 

Not only could I use a little joy, but in general, a willing spirit is something I am lacking as well. I am willing to follow God in the big picture, but the everyday things are difficult. I would like the willingness to follow God all the time. Sustain in me a willing spirit, because I am willing, but I'm also forgetful and lazy. Help keep me going God, especially during finals. 

Advent Already?

Where in the world has this year/semester/month gone? It's December, my window is open, I've worn flip flops all weekend and I am not prepared for finals. This is just getting weird. So after my last experiment with trying to pray every day, which kinda worked. I've also been given the task of reflecting on Scripture every day during Advent. Discipline is not my thing... and I'm pretty sure that's obvious by now. Here are my thoughts based on Scripture.

Joel 2:12-13

12 Yet even now, says the LORD , 

return to me with all your hearts, 

with fasting, with weeping, and with sorrow; 

13 tear your hearts 

and not your clothing. 

Return to the LORD your God, 

for he is merciful and compassionate, 

very patient, full of faithful love, 

and ready to forgive. 

So I've been avoiding a lot of things lately. I've been worried a lot and not sleeping well. To avoid my overactive head, I've been watching a ridiculous amount of TV in bed (Sons of Anarchy). I'm not reaching out to people, I'm pretty much avoiding the world. I'm definitely avoiding the work that I have to do within the next two weeks. I was able to pray for a week, then I just got busy and didn't make it a priority. This is nothing new. I know it may sound odd, but committing to God daily is hard. I've made my decision to give God my life, or a part of my life. God has my future and my career, I've turned those over. I still try to take it back every now and then, but God can have those things. This every day stuff is hard. I think about God all the time. In classes, while doing homework, even when I'm just sitting around. I think about God, but never talk TO God.


My relationship with God is much better in the abstract, where I can think and rationalize. But when it comes to actually having a conversation or trying to work at our relationship, it becomes something on the to do list. Praying and talking to God has become an obligation, not a desire. I don't know how to fix that. I want to talk more with God, but in the moment of life I am simply just too busy.


This passage for me is a sign of grace. I am super busy with many things, and I'm not doing any of them well. Today, that really hit me. I am doing a lot, but nothing is really working out, and that's largely because I've taken on too much. There's another key factor that always seems to slip my mind. If I was more in tune with God, maybe it wouldn't be like this. I recognize that when I try to do things my way, I mess things up. But these vereses remind me that God knows that sometimes I suck at life, and yet still wants a relationship with me. I blow off God for extra sleep or a new episode and that's okay. God forgives me and wants me to keep trying, so that I will do.