the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day

So two days into having floors I have my first breakdown. CPE is proving to be much more difficult than I initially imagined. My breakdown Friday was the culmination of a lot of things, and only a few were CPE related. First, I had a scholarship application due Friday, which I forgot about, so I had to wake up at 5am and write an essay. Then as I go to print out my essay, the printer doesn't have any ink. So I had to leave it in the hopes that my wonderful roommate would print it out and mail it for me (which she did!!!). Then I walk out the door and leave my lunch on the counter. AND once I get to Starbucks (because I've been up since 5) they didn't give me the blonde coffee that I wanted. So by the time I got to the hospital I was not a happy person. 


As I go up on the floors and round, I just had one bad reception after another. Looking back on it, there wasn't anything really horrible that happened, it just wasn't doing well. I kept finding myself in positions that I didn't know what to do. I felt like a baby giraffe trying to walk. Once I got my legs under me there was another set back. I think it really comes from a general feeling of incompetence. I feel like I'm doing everything wrong. I can't find my place on the floor. I'm finding it difficult to navigate through doctors, nurses, physical therapist etc. There can't always be a bad time to see people, but I'm really good at finding it. I just feel very uneasy. I know that its only been 2 days and I can't really expect to have it all figured out, but I feel like I don't have any of it figured out. 


I am also finding myself almost haunted by my bad interactions. I don't know how to get these events out of my mind. I feel like I'm representing myself poorly, and subsequently representing God poorly. I know that it seems like a lot of pressure to put on myself, but its still a reality where I have to find balance. I'm human, I make mistakes, but Friday was just a series of mistakes. I don't handle that as well as I thought I would. I didn't think that perfectionism was still a struggle of mine, but I guess on some levels and with some things it really is an issue. I don't want to be perfect, I want to be good. I want to be able to say the right thing, and know the right time to pray, or leave, or hold someone's hand. I don't have instincts. I'm all too aware of my social awkwardness and that is difficult for an extravert to handle. The one thing I thought I was good at was just talking to people, and now I can't find any words to say to anyone. I'm hoping this passes soon and I'll start having good things mixed in with the bad.