Today I went on a mini retreat with my CPE group. It was really great to get to know one another better and just hang out like 'normal' people. In the afternoon we walked a beautiful labyrinth. I've grown to hate labyrinths, because I open myself up to God and I rarely get what I want. I wanted some direction for CPE and what I should be focusing on as I go through this process. I opened myself up to the possibility that my call could be to chaplaincy. It doesn't sound as scary as I once thought it did, and I think it would be a good call. To me chaplaincy is stable, with hours that you work and set days off. The idea of serving God and ministering to people 9-5 has many benefits. But what I see now is that being a chaplain would be running from my call. The most terrifying aspect to being in parish ministry, to me, is the unpredictability. I like plans and I like to plan me time, to know when I can shut down for a few hours/ a day. Once you are a pastor, you are a pastor forever, 24/7. It is not something you get to clock in and out of, its all the time.
Most of my anger with God the past few months revolve around this issue of time/ lifestyle. I want a 9-5, I'm ok with evenings and weekends, when I can anticipate them. I struggle to see my life dictated by the needs of others. While rationally, I understand that day to day ministry is not this unstable and taxing, and that it is more about setting parameters for yourself and your work. However, for me this is a manifestation of the essence of my call and relationship with God. God doesn't want just my 9-5 life, but my entire life. That is tough, that is the part that I struggle with.
So today while I was walking in the labyrinth, very little of this was made clear. What I did feel expressed to me is what type of parish ministry I should be doing. Again, God can never make it easy for me, or make it something that I actually want to do. A part of me hesitates to say it even aloud, in fear that I am wrong. Every time you think you hear God, your brain says, "that can't be right." I think that God is telling me to go into new church development. A large portion of my walk today the words 'church plant' rang in my head. I have had discussions with people about how church plants can benefit the denomination as a whole, and even in specific communities. We've talked generally about how to redesign church and how that's best done with new churches. The subject interests me from a philosophical stand point, Is it better to work within a broken system or to start fresh? However, I haven't given much thought to actually doing it myself. Maybe in 20 years, after I've established myself and feel more willing to take risks and less fearful of the consequences. I have many more thoughts about this... but for now I think God is crazy, and I think i'm even more crazy for actually considering this.
1 comment:
I think we are all a little crazy and that the key is that we all care for each other when the opportunities call each day. I truly believe your picture will become clearer. The only problem is, it may not be on your time-line.
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