Today was a day of the unexpected. What I assumed would be a fairly normal Sunday turned out to be both sad and great. Working with teenagers you can never expect anything other than chaos and tonight was no different. I am constantly amazed by their depth and how much they understand about God. Tonight, I was saddened by how little I know about God. This year has been riddled with deaths for many of my kids. One of the 5 high schools has lost 2 students in 3 weeks. Whenever a teen dies it is difficult to understand, but to be a teenager and to be reminded so frequently that life is short is painful to watch. I would say that the majority of my students have known someone from their school that has died. The causes of death vary but are tragic nonetheless. How can I possibly explain how God is acting in this? How does anyone understand the loss of a child? I don't have answers for them. That is humbly and refreshing, because a part of me is glad to give it to God and hope that God can give some framework to this tragedy. My heart is heavy and I hope my kids can be comforted by God, even if they can't see God in this.
I had to leave my kids to the professional (the other adult who is way better at this stuff) because I had to run to a small group meeting for a class project. I was running ridiculously late and as I was walking into the building I saw Mario screaming at me. Mario has been traveling around with group of Colombians talking with seminaries and building partnerships with them. I had no idea that Mario was coming to McCormick and it was a great surprise! I am constantly amazed at how friends can reunite after time apart and pick up where they left off. We caught up for a bit and it was nice to hang out. After a heavy-hearted day it was great to see an unexpected smiling and very LOUD familiar face. I am truly grateful for the people that God has placed in my life along this journey. I am even more grateful for the unexpected opportunity to see them after a rough day.
I have a couple of friends who have recently had babies and tonight I was hanging out with one couple and they are baptizing their baby Sunday. We started to talk about who the Godparents and they have chosen 4 people to be the Godparents. While the discussion of Godparenting can lead into deep debate that is not what came to mind for me tonight.
I've recently come to understand my relationship with God in a different way. I have really taken to this idea of God as my parent and I now see myself as the rebellious adolescent daughter. God and I fight a lot, I'm often mad at God because I feel like God is ruining my life. There are all of these restrictions and changes and even when I'm at my best doing exactly what I should, it is still not enough for God. I become easily frustrated with God, and often think that I know what's best for my life. When I am asked to do something I immediately say no and base my response on some absurd principle. What is interesting is that eventually I realize that God is right and I end up doing what I was asked to do in the first place. Whenever I don't like what God asks me to do, I have to voice my opinion and pout before a cooler head prevails.
I don't know if this teenage daughter thing will last forever. Certainly I will grow up at some point. I don't know if my relationship with God changes over time, like it does with your parents as you grow into adulthood. Will there ever be a time where I just do what God asks me to do without putting up a fight? I don't know if I even do that now with my parents. A part of me feels like it's healthy to fight back and question things, but I also realize that at some point our relationship must grow and evolve as I do. I'm curious to see how my relationship with God grows over the next few years and if I am that rebellious teen or is this how God and I work. Only time will tell.
I made some drastic changes today. I donated 10' of hair to locks of love and I died my hair honey blonde. I figured if I was going to make a change, I would go big. It was a great experience and I truly enjoy the freedom to do whatever I want with my hair without repercussions. It only makes me aware of the restrictions that other women around the world face and I am grateful to live in a society that values my freedom of expression.
I was walking around the city today too and I saw God in the early spring weather. Spring brings out people form their winter cocoons. The streets were filled with people out and about for no obvious reason. Today was no different than any other day, but because it was 65 degrees people were outside enjoying the weather. I enjoy God's creation, as crazy as it may be (like it being 70 in March) and I am glad that I can be out in it again. Spring brightens people's moods and creates a general sense of well-being. When it first gets warm the city comes to life and people become more vibrant and noticeable. Not only is God present in creation, but in the opportunity for new springs. A new chance at life after a dead cold winter. Perhaps that's also part of the reason for my drastic change. It's time for new birth, new life, a springtime.
So, this lenten blog thing is difficult to maintain with a crazy life. I have still been thinking about where I see God every day, but getting it into a blog is much more difficult. After my retreat I was exhausted and unable to formulate sentences. It took me a good two or three days to recover in sleep and then to process what I had been through took a fair amount of time as well. Then this past weekend I went on another retreat with high schoolers. I have been busy that's for sure. Now that a significant amount of time has passed I want to share with you my revelations and insights from the Banquet retreat that I went on.
I struggled a lot on this retreat because we were not to be in contact with the outside world. The purpose was to get away for the weekend and focus on God. While I was away the world kept moving without me and I felt helpless inside. I struggled with the idea that now my life will not be lived on my terms, but on God's terms. I was on this retreat because I was meant to be there and I had a purpose there. My purpose was to serve there as best as I could and while doing that I was sacrificing my life outside of this retreat. My friends needed me and I couldn't rush to their side because I was on this retreat. My priorities are shifting and it is proving to be a painful process. My friends and family are still a priority, however they are not my top priority. My first priority is to follow wherever God leads me.
This has been a tricky thing to figure out, but as I move closer to God I realize where I am going, and it is often not in the same direction as my friends. I know that my first priority should've always been God, but now it has been taken to a whole new level. I was at this retreat instead of by my friend's side. There is a harsh reality to the fact that other people, who I do not know, need me more than my friends. Part of this may be a result of getting older, but last weekend I was overwhelmed with the burden of my call. I am frustrated with the sacrifices I have to make. God does not want a sliver of my being, God wants all of me. Giving my whole self to God is much harder than just saying it. I don't always like what God asks me to do, but those who know me know that if I don't like something, I will generally let you know, then do it anyway.
I also had an interesting revelation about Christ. In full disclosure Christology was fairly low on my theological spectrum. I never really understood the importance of having a relationship with Christ. I feel like God and I talk all the time and I feel the Holy Spirit moving within the world, but I didn't know where Christ fit into the Trinity of my every day life. On this retreat I began to understand that Jesus is someone who understands my current difficulty with living into God's call because he lived through the same thing. I hate how cliche it sounds to say this but I began to look at Jesus like a friend. Jesus has struggled with many of the same issues I do because he was human and dealt the same human emotions that I do. I now see Jesus as someone who is with me on my journey and can help me when my humanity gets the best of me. It seems small but it was interesting revelation nonetheless.
Finally, I also realized that my spiritual growth will forever be obstructed by my theological education. The more I learn about the Bible and God the more critical I become and my faith remains in my head. I was on a spiritual retreat that was meant to be an awakening, but all I could do is analyze what was happening and over analyzing everything. My head is keeping my heart from feeling and that is difficult to change. I am being taught how to think critically about my faith and wrestle with the complexities of God. However, in doing so I believe that I've lost a bit of the emotional connection with God that I had before I came to seminary. Faith is not in your head but in your heart and as I go forward in my ministry I hope to find the balance between the two. I think about God all the time, but I would like to feel God more in my life.
I'm aware that this is ridiculously late and there are many reasons for that. First, I was exhausted last night and couldn't sit long enough to write it. Secondly, I have been busy today writing a paper and I had to get that done before I could blog (it was a good motivational tool). Third, I am going on a 72 hour retreat this weekend and it starts tonight, I will not be able to blog until Sunday night, and even then I may not be conscious enough to do it. I will write down my events and post them when I get home and get a chance, so do not worry.
So this is where I saw God yesterday. It was ridiculously warm yesterday and I woke up early to get some work done and finished it much earlier than I expected. I decided to take my homework to the lake and get some reading done. I don't know why I ever think that I can accomplish anything at the lake. I was distracted to say the least. I was sittin on the rock break wall when a Mallard duck jumped up off the water. It landed about 5 feet away from me. I'm not a big fan of flying creatures and I was terrified that it would come flying right at me. This duck just sat there and looked around. He wasn't really scared of me and didn't even really notice me. I could not stop staring at him, he was so beautiful! His head was this amazing green iridescent color, a while line, then normal brown. On his back there was more green and his bright orange feet. I've never taken the time to look at a duck closely, but they are full of brilliant colors. A mallard duck is magnificently made by God. The colors and pattern was just astounding to me. I was moved at how much detail there is in a duck.
Then I went to McCormick worship where THE Ted Heibert preached on the Noah covenant and reminded us that God made the first covenant with all the living creatures not with humans. After my experience in duck watching this was a whole new revelation for me. God's covenant is open to all creatures, including ducks, as equal parts of the kingdom. These two things together were astounding and I see God's creation so differently now because we are all equal because God made the first covenant with us all.
