When life became a team sport

The past few weeks have been particularly challenging. I found out two weeks before graduation that my thesis (2 of 7 credits for my degree) was rejected. After months of working on this project alone my advisor thought it wasn't good enough. This has been traumatic for me. Thankfully, I was working with a spiritual director who is AMAZING and I have been able to process quite a bit over the past few weeks. 

I took a week to sit in the disappointment, anger, and sadness. I did nothing, I couldn't do anything. I didn't know how to do anything. I found out quickly that my general coping mechanisms would not work. I couldn't bury myself in work, I was cemented to my couch and couldn't face the failure. I couldn't ignore it and swallow the pain, I had to confront it. I couldn't talk about it too much, it just resulted in my sobbing. I had to sit and be, I had to go through my mess. A lot of other things surfaced and I spent a week trying to feel life as it happened. Which sounds ridiculous, but it's amazing how many walls I have created to prevent feeling. It was miserable, and I cried, a lot. 

I feel like I'm through the worst of it, there are still residual effects. I still feel vulnerable and hurt, but its manageable. I am trying to be more present in my own body, feeling things as they come and trying not to control my feelings. 

I've learned a lot about myself and this could go on forever about what I can take away from this experience. Today, I will focus on relying on others. I cannot go it alone. There are people around me who love me and can support me. I am trying to get my life in order and look for jobs and I am overwhelmed by the whole process. I am reaching out to others for help and I will ask for help. Life is a team sport and we cannot live on our own.