When life became a team sport

The past few weeks have been particularly challenging. I found out two weeks before graduation that my thesis (2 of 7 credits for my degree) was rejected. After months of working on this project alone my advisor thought it wasn't good enough. This has been traumatic for me. Thankfully, I was working with a spiritual director who is AMAZING and I have been able to process quite a bit over the past few weeks. 

I took a week to sit in the disappointment, anger, and sadness. I did nothing, I couldn't do anything. I didn't know how to do anything. I found out quickly that my general coping mechanisms would not work. I couldn't bury myself in work, I was cemented to my couch and couldn't face the failure. I couldn't ignore it and swallow the pain, I had to confront it. I couldn't talk about it too much, it just resulted in my sobbing. I had to sit and be, I had to go through my mess. A lot of other things surfaced and I spent a week trying to feel life as it happened. Which sounds ridiculous, but it's amazing how many walls I have created to prevent feeling. It was miserable, and I cried, a lot. 

I feel like I'm through the worst of it, there are still residual effects. I still feel vulnerable and hurt, but its manageable. I am trying to be more present in my own body, feeling things as they come and trying not to control my feelings. 

I've learned a lot about myself and this could go on forever about what I can take away from this experience. Today, I will focus on relying on others. I cannot go it alone. There are people around me who love me and can support me. I am trying to get my life in order and look for jobs and I am overwhelmed by the whole process. I am reaching out to others for help and I will ask for help. Life is a team sport and we cannot live on our own. 

The Foolishness of Israel

Many of you may know that I have recently returned from a trip to Israel and Palestine. Initially I was going to blog along the way of my journey, but shoddy internet prevented that dream from ever becoming a reality. I still may blog about it as I digest what I saw and how it has impacted me. 

For right now, I am left clueless on how to answer people when they ask me, "How was your trip?" It was life changing, it was insightful, it was horrible, eye-opening, disheartening... the list could go on and on and will most definitely contradict itself. I'm glad I went, but I'm also not happy that I went, because I cannot unsee what I've seen. My perspective has changed, on a lot of things. 

The biggest change has been my perspective on religious people. I can say, without a doubt, the universal truth is that religious people are the worst in the world. Whether they are claiming land given to them by God 2000 years ago, or fighting over who has Jesus' real tomb, they're all the same, terrible. I have never been so upset in my life about how the message of God, particularly that of Jesus Christ, has been distorted and used for one's own benefit more than in the 'Holy Land.' While the scenery was beautiful and I certainly had my God moments while I was there, this was one of the most unholy places I have ever been. 

The simple fact that the 3 Abrahamic religions cannot live in peace is a disgrace to God. Let alone the infighting among Christians that literally trample all over Jesus' tomb. It is all contrary to the God I know. God does not love one people over another and no people are holier than another. We are ALL made in the image of God, and to treat anyone as less than holy, is treating God as such. 

I am angry at how God is represented by the people of all faiths in Israel. Not everyone in Israel has it wrong, there are certainly people there spreading the message of love and justice to those who need to hear it. However, these people are a minority and are climbing Mt. Everest trying to rid Israel of it's ridiculousness. 

I am not alone in my animosity towards the religious who get God wrong. This week in the lectionary, we hear from Paul, who was also upset about similar issues, and in that I find great comfort. 1 Corinthians 1:18-31:

"For the message about the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God. For it is written, "I will destroy the wisdom of the wise and the discernment of the discerning I will thwart."

Where is the one who is wise? Where is the scribe? Where is the debater of this age? Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world? For since, in the wisdom of God, the world did not know God through wisdom, God decided, through the foolishness of our proclamation, to save those who believe. For Jews demand signs and Greeks desire wisdom, but we proclaim Christ crucified, a stumbling block for Jews and foolishness to Gentiles, but to those who are called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ the power of God and the wisdom of God. For God's foolishness is wiser than human wisdom, and God's weakness is stronger than human strength. 

Consider your own call, brothers and sisters: not many of you were wise by human standards, but many were powerful, not many were of noble birth. But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong; God chose what is low and despised in the world, things that are not, to reduce to nothing things that are, so that no one might boast in the presence of God. He is the source of your life in Christ Jesus, who became for us wisdom from God, and righteousness and sanctification and redemption, in order that, as it is written, "Let the one who boasts, boast n the Lord."" 

What's Next?

This week I attended the Next Church conference in Charlotte, NC. We drove down Sunday (for 12 hours) and then began our journey last night, stopped off at my brothers house and continued this morning. Despite the crazy traveling and my now very overtired state, the past two days were exactly what I needed.

As I look to my future, after graduation I want to know what's next. What am I supposed to be doing? Where am I supposed to be doing it? There are a million questions that I have about what's next. What I realized, is that I already know what's next. I know what God is calling me to do. I know where God is leading me and I have finally found a way to make it happen. 

I stumbled upon this future plan last week. I was asked to meet with a few professors to discuss the ThM program at McCormick. It's a program designed for graduates to develop a thesis and gain another Masters degree in Theology. I thought I was going for a free lunch and to talk with some of my favorite profs, but of course, theres no such thing as a free lunch. I have a passion for academia, despite how much I complain about it. I don't feel like I'm done learning yet and I don't think I'm ready to leave my academic studies. However, this revelation is in direct contrast to my call to plant a church. 

At Next Church I met with many others who are looking outside the box for their ministry, rethinking church and community. It is there that I realized that I have to do things my own way. I will do both. I can write a these and plant a church. I will do both at the same time.

Is this a crazy idea? Undoubtably it may not be the most rational choice, but it is clearly the right one. Next inspired me to try, to release my fears and go out on a limb. God's call for me is not something that I can sit on, it is TOO important to wait for permission to move forward with. I am going to push people, upset them, back them into a corner until they can't tell me no. God's work is risky, challenging, and yes, there is a possibility to fail. After Next, I am not afraid to fail in ministry, I'm afraid of failing to live out God's call for my life. 

Don't Speak

So today I preached a sermon entitled "Don't Speak." This sermon was focus on the passage in 1 Corinthians 14:34-5 where it says that women shouldn't speak and to do so is shameful. This passage was something that I had to confront for myself, to figure out how this fits in my Sacred Scripture. I used it in the context of domestic violence and how women are silenced in churches by our inaction on their behalf. 

I woke up at 9 and I was sooo ready to go, but service didn't start til noon.  I wasn't really nervous about the sermon, I had come to peace with it. I woke up ready to preach, there was an urgency. I had this word, and I just needed to let it out. I was excited, but calm. I was impatient. I had a dream that when I got up to do the opening I just started my sermon, that's how ready I was. 

I felt a sense of calm that I have never experienced before. I was excited, my foot was twitching, but my hands were stead, my stomach wasn't doing summersaults. I got up there and while I was doing it I felt good. There were places where I was worried, the sermon was tough and the audience looked a little shell shocked. I couldn't read them and I thought I was yelling at them, and that's why they weren't emoting much. When I finished and walked away and I was in a weird space. Still, there were no nerves. I was calm.

However, after service the reception I received was different. There is a usual "You did well" (which I still don't know how to react to). But today, the congratulations were more sincere, the hugs were much tighter. Today was different and I cannot explain it. My facebook blew up with compliments. Things were moving today and I don't really know how to deal with them, but today was definitely different. 

Guiller

Tomorrow is Haiti Sunday at church and I have been asked to talk about my experience in Haiti. I have had one of the craziest weeks. I am the Teaching Assistant for an intensive Hebrew class, in addition to taking a class for 3.5 hours 3 days a week. Half of this week I have been at school for 13 hours. I am exhausted and I haven't even really had time to think about Haiti, which is probably for the best. So here are bits and pieces of my story with Guiller.  

On our third day in Haiti we went to deliver our donations to other orphanages in Port au Prince. We left in the truck with bags of flip-flops, new clothes, underwear, and some rice and beans. We also brought some snacks with us. We had dinner tolls, peanut butter and Tampico, a kind of fruit juice. At the second orphanage we visited that day we gathered outside on benches with the kids. I was sitting with Guiller, he was probably 6 or 7, he didn’t say much, but had a bright and beautiful smile. As we passed out peanut butter on dinner rolls and the Tampico the kids faces lit up. Some just dug right in, others, like Guiller slowly ate the peanut butter from the roll, putting his finger in it, then licking it off, until most of the peanut butter was gone. Then he ate the roll. I watched a little girl, who was probably two chug her Tampico in a few gulps. It was probably a 12oz bottle or so, and this young girl drank it all at once. 

As they ate their peanut butter rolls something very profound hit me. We were sharing the body of Christ with these young children. We had our own Communion feast. The bread was covered in peanut butter and the juice came in a bottle, but we were sharing the Lord’s Supper. 

Language barriers kept us from having conversations with these kids, but our actions spoke more words than could ever say. We were there, all 22 of us left our families and friends for a week to share Christ with kids in Haiti and in that moment, outside on benches we were. These kids were hungry and we gave them food. They needed new clothes and we clothed them. We were doing what Christ has called us to do.

There are many things that are distinctively different between the two groups gathered on those benches. Our connection to these kids was something much more powerful than a love of soccer or music. In their eyes I saw God, I felt the presence of the Holy Spirit with us. I saw the connection that brings us all together. Every child we saw was beautifully and wonderfully made by God. Outside, on those benches we shared a Sacred meal between God’s children. We shared the love of Christ with these children without saying much, but simply by being there.

Processing through Pictures

Last night something incredible happened. On the flight home from Haiti, one of the other 'adults' took everyone's camera and downloaded all of our pictures. I got 1661 to mark my trip! There is such a wonderful mix of pictures that it is truly incredible. I spent probably a good hour staring at the pictures from the trip, and all I could think of was the wonderful stories that are being told through these pictures. Thus, I feel like a good way to share and process this crazy experience that I had would be through pictures. I hope to continue to process while I look through these pictures. While I am tempted to give you all a day by day play by play, I think it is best to share with you the stories that are on my heart and what I need to say. 

I will start with the first child at New Life that blew me away. Her name is Milaua. I don't know much about her story, but I am guessing she's about 7 years old. Our first night, we went over to meet some of the kids. I had taken a shower, because we had been painting all day and I had gotten pretty sweaty. After my shower I went to see the kids and Milaua came right up to me. She grabbed my hand, drug me over a piece in the blacktop, and told me to sit down, which I did. She had a cute hair tie in her hair, which I said that I liked. She proceeded to stand above me, and do my hair. I had two hair ties on my wrist, and she added her own cute bow to put my wet hair in 3 pony tails. I wish I had taken a picture of my ridiculous hair. There was a piece of hair in the front that didn't make it into one of my 3 ponytails and she braided it. 

This was my first interaction with kids from the orphanage. There was very little talking, most of the kids spoke Creole and learn French in school but their English can be hit or miss. I just sat there and let her make of fool out of me, and it was the best 5 minutes I had all day. 

How was Haiti?

This past week I ventured to Haiti with 18 college students and 3 other adults for 5 days. We worked with New Life Children's Home in Port au Prince. Our mission for the week was to paint the guest house where missionaries and groups of travelers stay on the property with the orphanage as they trave throughout Haiti on different projects.  New Life has over 100 children that they care fore, ranging from around a year old and up. There are also 20 kids there who have special needs. To see more about the orphanage and what they do there you can go to http://www.newlife4kids.org/.

Upon my return people have been asking me "How was Haiti?". I have no idea how to respond to that question. The experience was incredible and I had a great deal of fun. However, I also got my heart broken on a daily basis and I saw things I never want to see again. I saw young kids with bloated bellies from malnutrition, kids who haven't eaten all day, I saw kids who were nine years old that were the size of my 5 year old nephew.  I saw rubble from the earthquake nearly 3 years ago clutter the streets. I saw tent cities that were assembled as temporary housing that have turned into permanent residences. 

Overall, I feel bipolar. I saw God in the faces of so many people there. I experienced God in ways that I don't think I could have here in the US. However, I was also angry with God, how can God allow these children to suffer like this? How can God's children live in such deplorable conditions? I know that this trip has opened my eyes and given me a fire in my belly to do something, but what? How could I possibly help these kids. I cannot take them home with me, I cannot financially support them and I cannot work to stabilize their government. I feel pretty helpless. Here I am sitting in my comfy warm apartment with central air and my computer typing away. There are so many things that I learned from this experience that I cannot possibly begin to tell you all of them now. My hope is that as the weeks go by I will have a clearer understanding of how God will use this experience. 

I can't hear

Revelation 3:18-22

18 My advice is that you buy gold from me that has been purified by fire so that you may be rich, and white clothing to wear so that your nakedness won’t be shamefully exposed, and ointment to put on your eyes so that you may see. 19 I correct and discipline those whom I love. So be earnest and change your hearts and lives. 20 Look! I’m standing at the door and knocking. If any hear my voice and open the door, I will come in to be with them, and will have dinner with them, and they will have dinner with me. 21 As for those who emerge victorious, I will allow them to sit with me on my throne, just as I emerged victorious and sat down with my Father on his throne. 22 If you can hear, listen to what the Spirit is saying to the churches. ”

So, I know that I skipped this weekend, but I actually read the verses I was supposed, but I just didn't have the capacity to write about them. Finals week is upon me and in full force. I have a huge project due Tuesday and I seem to be dragging my feet about it. I start working a little bit, and then I can't work anymore. Part of that is because I've had a fairly emotionally charged weekend. I ask for your prayers for my grandfather, he went into the hospital last night with signs of heart attack and is having an angioplasty tomorrow morning. 

Tonight, I'm having a hard time focusing on this passage. I'm having a hard time distracting myself from the work I have to do and thinking about my grandpa. I'm drawn to the last vers, 'if you can hear, listen.' Some days, I can't hear, and I think today is one of them. I'm too cluttered with other things. In addition to finals and my sick grandpa, I have asked for clarity. I'm having a hard time distinguishing what I want from what God wants. I know that they can be one in the same, but how do you know when that happens? 

 I want to hear, I need God's answers, but I also recognize that I am not in a place to listen. I know that if I sit in prayer for a while I will either run through my to do list or fall asleep from exhaustion. So tonight, I will go to bed without answers, and hope that tomorrow I can hear.

taking pride in our problems

Romans 5:1-5

Therefore, since we have been made righteous through his faithfulness combined with our faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. 2 We have access by faith into this grace in which we stand through him, and we boast in the hope of God’s glory. 3 But not only that! We even take pride in our problems, because we know that trouble produces endurance, 4 endurance produces character, and character produces hope. 5 This hope doesn’t put us to shame, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

Well, that didn't take long. 5 days in and I find a 'problematic' text. Welcome to my life as a seminarian. I read a lot of Scripture, and I don't like it all the time. I'm sure I could go and exegete my way through this one, but instead, let's take it at face value. Verses 3 and 4 are tough pills to swallow. I don't take pride in my problems. I understand that going through difficult times can make us stronger, however, I think it's just a way to justify bad things happening. This is difficult to write, knowing that I'm really putting myself out there. This passage just sounds a little too much like 'everything happens for a reason' or 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.' I find these cliches difficult to understand. Do we tell a woman who was raped that it happened for a reason? Or tell a grieving parent that it'll make them stronger? Is that what gives people the hope of Jesus Christ? 

Do we hope that things going according to plan or do we hope for an end of these things? Do we hope to see the day where no one's innocence is taken or do we hope that they will be stronger after it? The peace that I have through the love of God, as shown through Christ. My peace comes from a God whose love continues to pour into out hearts, making us new. My hope is in the work of Holy Spirit to work through people to end our 'problems'. My hope will not be put to shame by those who boast in their problems, because I am acting in the world so that these problems cease to exist. 

During Advent, the week of Hope nonetheless I hope. My hope is for a Christ that leads us by example to value all human life. A Christ that works to eradicate injustice and bring peace and civility to our world. My hope is not for endurance or character, but for everyone to feel the love of God that I feel. 

Against me

Psalm 27: 11-14

11 LORD , teach me your way;

because of my opponents, lead me on a good path.

12 Don’t give me over to the desires of my enemies,

because false witnesses and violent accusers

have taken their stand against me.

13 But I have sure faith

that I will experience the LORD ’s goodness

in the land of the living!

14 Hope in the LORD !

Be strong! Let your heart take courage!

Hope in the LORD !

My journey has been one of asking the God to teach me the way. Half the battle of faith is recognizing what is our way and what is God's way. Knowing the difference is difficult and a never ending process. As I continue to decipher my calling, I am noticing that my path comes with a fair amount of adversaries. Talking to people about faith is a risky business. If you imply that you believe somethings differently than someone in the room, there is a lot at stake. People do not like being told their beliefs are misguided or even wrong. When people cling to their faith as a survival skill, which many people do, there is more wrapped up in their faith than their theology. 

Nothing in church work is worth doing if it doesn't cause a few enemies. I have found myself searching for the 'right' way to piss people off. I truly believe that to speak to the truth is to make people upset. The key lays in the balance of not pissing people off for the fun of it and being afraid to piss people off. I do believe that I will experience God's goodness in the land of living! I have experienced it and I continue to do so. The focus on this is in the land of living. My true prayer for this would be for the Church to be a land of living. A place where people are courageous, stand sure in their faith and are led in straight paths. I pray this prayer for the Church, to piss people off, to ask for God's guidance despite the nay sayers. I'm pretty sure there is a Proverb somewhere that says, "The oppositional will always be with you." I may have mixed that up... but you get my point. 

Stone Heart

Ezekiel 36:25-27

I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be cleansed of all your pollution. I will cleanse you of all your idols. 26 I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you. I will remove your stony heart from your body and replace it with a living one, 27 and I will give you my spirit so that you may walk according to my regulations and carefully observe my case laws.

Removing my heart of stone

Seminary has been a long and arduous process. While I do not feel that it is complete, I can see how I've changed. I would have never called myself an uncaring individual, but I definitely had a hardened heart. I carried around past heartbreaks and damages. I could not let anyone inside my concrete divider. If I did let you in, it was an honor, because few people had seen what was underneath my tough exterior. 

Now, my though exterior is different. While I do find myself guarded, it's not out of the same motivation, to avoid pain. I am moving closer to self-preservation. For the first time in years I've been allowing myself to actually feel emotions. I can see others people's pain and be with them in that emotion. I no longer avoid emotional situations or deflect with humor (as often as I used to). This weekend someone said, "I can see how seminary has changed you, you're much more pastoral." While this compliment could be seen as, "You used to be such a jerk," I accept it for what it is saying. 

I felt empathy when it was convenient for me to do so. I was kinda a jerk. I admit, that I am no longer free of my deflection or avoidance, it has decreased significantly. It has translated into many of my friendships and relationships. I can be a listening ear for people, which I was never  very good at. I still struggle with trying to fix things for other people but I am significantly better. 

God has removed my stony heart and replaced it one that lives and breathes. It lives through the hearts of other people, it beats to the sound of justice. This transition has not taken place over night, but I feel my heart beating in ways I never thought possible 3 years ago. 

Advent Day 2

Psalm 51:1-12

Have mercy on me, God, according to your faithful love!

Wipe away my wrongdoings according to your great compassion!

2 Wash me completely clean of my guilt;

purify me from my sin!

3 Because I know my wrongdoings,

my sin is always right in front of me.

4 I’ve sinned against you—you alone.

I’ve committed evil in your sight.

That’s why you are justified when you render your verdict,

completely correct when you issue your judgment.

5 Yes, I was born in guilt, in sin,

from the moment my mother conceived me.

6 And yes, you want truth in the most hidden places;

you teach me wisdom in the most secret space.

7 Purify me with hyssop and I will be clean;

wash me and I will be whiter than snow.

8 Let me hear joy and celebration again;

let the bones you crushed rejoice once more.

9 Hide your face from my sins;

wipe away all my guilty deeds!

10 Create a clean heart for me, God;

put a new, faithful spirit deep inside me!

11 Please don’t throw me out of your presence;

please don’t take your holy spirit away from me.

12 Return the joy of your salvation to me

and sustain me with a willing spirit

Finals time has come upon me, and I am procrastinating as usual. There are a million things I should be doing, but I don't really want to do any of them until the last possible moment. My class tonight the importance of being able to play. Play is a healthy means for us to live with our emotions and keeps our souls alive. I completely agree with this and I need to find new and better ways to keep play alive. 

While this passage is begging God for forgiveness and mercy, the last verse is what stood out to me. My life not only lacks good solid play, but also the joy of salvation. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful to have a God that loves me enough to sacrifice a son. But joy is not something I'm particularly good at. Many times I feel unworthy of such a gift or as though I have to prove to God how grateful I am. Joy... that is truly my prayer for tonight. 

Not only could I use a little joy, but in general, a willing spirit is something I am lacking as well. I am willing to follow God in the big picture, but the everyday things are difficult. I would like the willingness to follow God all the time. Sustain in me a willing spirit, because I am willing, but I'm also forgetful and lazy. Help keep me going God, especially during finals. 

Advent Already?

Where in the world has this year/semester/month gone? It's December, my window is open, I've worn flip flops all weekend and I am not prepared for finals. This is just getting weird. So after my last experiment with trying to pray every day, which kinda worked. I've also been given the task of reflecting on Scripture every day during Advent. Discipline is not my thing... and I'm pretty sure that's obvious by now. Here are my thoughts based on Scripture.

Joel 2:12-13

12 Yet even now, says the LORD , 

return to me with all your hearts, 

with fasting, with weeping, and with sorrow; 

13 tear your hearts 

and not your clothing. 

Return to the LORD your God, 

for he is merciful and compassionate, 

very patient, full of faithful love, 

and ready to forgive. 

So I've been avoiding a lot of things lately. I've been worried a lot and not sleeping well. To avoid my overactive head, I've been watching a ridiculous amount of TV in bed (Sons of Anarchy). I'm not reaching out to people, I'm pretty much avoiding the world. I'm definitely avoiding the work that I have to do within the next two weeks. I was able to pray for a week, then I just got busy and didn't make it a priority. This is nothing new. I know it may sound odd, but committing to God daily is hard. I've made my decision to give God my life, or a part of my life. God has my future and my career, I've turned those over. I still try to take it back every now and then, but God can have those things. This every day stuff is hard. I think about God all the time. In classes, while doing homework, even when I'm just sitting around. I think about God, but never talk TO God.


My relationship with God is much better in the abstract, where I can think and rationalize. But when it comes to actually having a conversation or trying to work at our relationship, it becomes something on the to do list. Praying and talking to God has become an obligation, not a desire. I don't know how to fix that. I want to talk more with God, but in the moment of life I am simply just too busy.


This passage for me is a sign of grace. I am super busy with many things, and I'm not doing any of them well. Today, that really hit me. I am doing a lot, but nothing is really working out, and that's largely because I've taken on too much. There's another key factor that always seems to slip my mind. If I was more in tune with God, maybe it wouldn't be like this. I recognize that when I try to do things my way, I mess things up. But these vereses remind me that God knows that sometimes I suck at life, and yet still wants a relationship with me. I blow off God for extra sleep or a new episode and that's okay. God forgives me and wants me to keep trying, so that I will do.

pressure

Pressure

is this furthering my call?

is this what i want?

is this building up my relationship to God?

is this really worth the sacrifices i'm making?

When will these questions turn to answers?

will these choices ever get easier?

I am open to your voice

I need your strength 

I don't doubt you, I beg for your revelation

I need clarity

I need calm

I want more direction

I need you in this moment. 

library prayer

Witnesses,

from every time and place

to fill my head with knowledge.

Privilege,

filling libraries with books,

academia's finest description of you. 

Sitting 

amongst clattering computers

and the dreams of those before us.

For the history of witnesses,

for the dreams of those who could never have dreamed

For your presence with us all,

I give you thanks. 

stupid Min 404

God of our hearts,

you have called us each to engage in your world,

to better your kindom, 

to lead your people.

We have run from you,

denying your call,

adding in our own excuses. 

"I'm too young, I cannot speak, it is physically impossible"

You persevere through our hardened hearts, 

leading us back to you.

May your plans be revealed to us 

and may we have the strength and fortitude to accept them.

May our hearts and minds be open to receive your call.

May your spirit fill us with your purpose,

utilizing our gifts and individualities

to the betterment of our world.

  

2 prayers for 2 days

So, I'm really not disciplined enough for this. I don't think about it until it's too late to do it. Here is my prayer from this morning.

God of all creation,

your imagination is beyond human comprehension.

Sunrise and Sunset

colors bursting forth 

each day different. 

Each color scheme and cloud pattern is unique

beauty in simplicity.

Thank you for a world created good.

After a day at church, this is my prayer.

God you gave us the unifier of all 

the body of Christ,

a house that hold all people.

Lead us to your peace.

God I thank you for communities of your children

love that uniquely abounds,

across all our human divisions.

For the pondering of children, 

the quizitive mind of teenagers, 

and adult compassion

Prayers?!?!?!?!?!

 So here's the deal, my supervisor at my field site doesn't think I pray enough (which is probably true). So as her assignment for me, and because I am essentially at her mercy, she has told me to write a prayer for each day. It doesn't have to be anything fancy or super special, but a prayer for each day. 

Since I think best while typing (let's be honest, who writes things down anymore?) I thought these prayer would be best kept through a blog. I may explain some of my prayers, I may not, but my hope is that my life and daily thought processes will be revealed through my prayers. So here's todays

Omniscient God, Eternal Parent to us all,

I pray for all who have children. 

Loving a child can be difficult,

they are not hard to love,

but loving them is a true sacrifice of self.

Be with all of those who struggle with their children,

whether they are atheists, addicts or just agitating

be with those who love them.

I ask that those with children be given wisdom,

knowledge, strength, and an open heart and mind.

Loving God, release their anxiety

 and help them trust in you.

Allow their children to learn safely,

pressing boundaries without destroying lives. 

We leave our children in your hands O God.

Amen 

where I see community

This past weekend I went on a high school retreat modeled after the Great Banquet. It is called the Awakening. On this retreat I learned a lot about kids and how they process things, especially God. I was overwhelmed by two things. First, my church brought 9 kids and had 2 kids that were on the team for this retreat which was an hour and half away from their home. On Saturday night we had 12 or 13 members of our church come out to support these young people. Most of these adults did not have children participating in the event, or even old enough to go, but they drove 3 hours to support these young people on their journeys. That is the kind of church I believe in, that is the encouragement and love of Christ. 

Secondly, I was moved by how these kids related to each other. When you put a group of teenagers together there is not telling what could happen. In a group of 50 high schoolers, kids were able to leave saying that this is where they feel included and loved for who they are. Yes, there were some tables where kids would section themselves off in pairs, but they found someone to relate to and belong with. This was very powerful, this is the Church, doing it's job. The Church should be the place where all kids are welcomed, despite their differences or oddities. 

So after this awesome Church experience where my faith in humanity is restored, I saw it again while voting. While democracy in action can be moving, this was a special case. A woman was waiting in line to vote and she had a small child with her, probably 2 or 3 months old. The child was in a stroller, but had started to get fussy. The mother started to put on her wrap to put the baby in it and the two women behind her helped her put it over her head and adjust it. (I presume that these women did not know each other). Then as the baby continued to cry, the four people in front of the mother, let her go before them. It literally brought tears to my eyes, to see people act so kindly to each other for no apparent reason. 

Then I get on Facebook yesterday and last night as the election results are in and everyone had something to say about it. Which I truly believe is positive, however, some of it was disheartening. This is my prayer for today:

God of all people,

Help us O God to remember that you govern our hearts,

you have already sent a leader to guide us,

your will for our lives is already within us.

Open our eyes to those around us. 

Let us see each other as your people, 

not political parties, or of a specific race, gender or orientation

Help us see the humanity in one another.

Lead us, as a country, as a world, as your kindom.

Lead us to where you want us to be,

guiding us in the paths of righteousness and truth. 

I ask all these things in the name of our risen Christ.

Amen

Feelings Nothing More Than Feelings

In one of my classes yesterday we did a small exercise. This came from the discussion of how we have learned to suppress our feelings and emotions, favoring our intellect. It is a societal condition that has allowed us to only think and not feel, thus denying our true selves and natural state. So, I invite you do the same exercise.

I will say a word, you should identify a feeling, not a habitual feeling that we have trained ourselves to feel, but to honestly feel the word. Once you have identified your feeling, write about it. (that's poetry) Got it?

Ok are we ready for the word? The word is God.





What'd you come up with? I invite you to share, if you can, my comments section often does not cooperate. 

So when I did this exercise and heard the word, I instantly rolled my eyes and said, "that's not a word." I defaulted to angry, because that is the emotion I most often associate with God (read previous blogs to see how much I blame God). Then I went to happy and comforted, but that felt like a contrived Sunday School answer. So, frustrated with myself and my inability to actually feel I shut down and gave up. 

Maybe my blockage came from seminary training to only think about God, not feel.  Or maybe I can't feel after all. I have long rationalized away my feelings and thought myself through them. I don't have many uninhibited feelings anymore. Another part of my seminary training is to acknowledge your feelings and look at why you feel them. I spend a lot of time thinking about my feelings and not actually feeling them. 

How do you feel feelings? How do you sit in it and allow it to be? Movies make me feel feelings, but as soon as the movie's over, so are the feelings, back to normal. Occasionally,  I will find myself in a place where my feelings take over, I will cry, or be in a funk after watching a movie. I will then analyze the crap out of why I'm feeling those things and where they come from or what I identified with,  but I dont just let them be. There always has to be an explanation some repressed childhood memory. Can you just feel?  Is it unhealthy to just feel and not psychoanalyze them? Is that even possible?